I haven’t written a blog in while because honestly, I felt like there was nothing to write about. There were little things that were hard to put into words and bigger things that I felt were just for me and God in those moments. That was until August 12th, 2017 happened, and everything came together!
A big part of my testimony is the self-hatred I have dealt with for what feels like my whole life, a huge part has to do with getting hurt by the church. When I was little about 7 or 8 my dad and lot of the other staff members of the church got let go. The church was my second home, I loved it there, so us kids still tried to go until finally they asked us not to come back. I was hidden from a lot of what actually went down, which I am grateful for but that also left room for the enemy to come in and build some deeply rooted lies. I related the church to God, so I truly believed that if the church didn’t love me and didn’t want me, than God must not love me or want me.
With the hurt I experienced I started to cling to other things besides God; when you cling to anything besides God they WILL fail you and you WILL get hurt. I became what I thought people wanted me to be, if I was hanging out with people that drank, I did, if they didn’t, I didn’t. If they cussed, I cussed, if they did bible study, I did bible study.
I was living out of other people’s lives because I didn’t want to live in my own.
When I started to get into missions things changed in my life. I was around people, other than my family, that loved the Lord and loved me with the love of Christ; they poured into me like I hadn’t experienced before from my peers. After my first trip to Southeast Asia I was hooked on a godly community. The enemy saw how much I thrived in a community like that and he did everything he could to stop that from happening.
One of the things that attracted me to the World Race was the community, being around people 24/7 that were seeking after God in every way, to be poured into daily and to pour out to those around me. The first four months of my race were exactly that, it was more than I could have ever asked for and then some! We were all growing towards God and pushing each other to grow more intimate with the Father which is exactly what community is supposed to do. I just didn’t know that I was still living out of other peoples lives, so when we changed teams and I didn’t have that tight close connection I was starting to starve spiritually.
The debrief we found out about team change (Ghana, May) the Lord told me this was going to be a season of love. I was excited!! I was looking forward to soaking up His love and I knew I still dealt with a lot of lies about His love, I guess I just didn’t realize how deep those lies went. Somehow, I forgot that wanting to see a breakthrough in my life meant I had to break to let God get me through it. Let me tell you the breaking process is not easy BUT SO WORTH IT!
My second team was so much fun and I love them all so much, but it was also super challenging. We didn’t always choose each other, including myself. The half way point on any missions trip is hard and when we were in month 7, in Bosnia, I hit a low point. I wanted to go home. I went back to old sin that I thought was dead and gone with, I was lonely and not inviting people into it. I would have amazing time with Jesus each morning but after that was done I didn’t take it with me through out my day. I wouldn’t fight the lies that would come through out the day, I would let them take over so by the next morning I had to run into Jesus’ arms and ask for forgiveness. This cycle kept going and going, it was a paradox, in the morning I would feel filled up and feel like I had such amazing Jesus time and then the day would go on and the lies just felt unbearable, like I wasn’t being a ‘good enough Christian’. I felt defeated.
I was missing something.
Though out my life I have always believed God was God, never once did I doubt that there was a God that created me, I had faith. I also had hope, I saw people around me that had the love of Jesus, I saw what God could do in peoples lives and I had people all around me that gave me a hope for another side, a life without lies and without self-hatred. But what I was missing was His LOVE, I’m not saying I never went without Him loving me, and I loved Him the best way I knew how, but hadn’t truly experienced His love without lies attached to it.
Then August 12th happened
We were in Romania, it was 4 am and hot. I had a little fan to keep me cool and then suddenly it broke… I tried to sleep through it but the air was still and I knew there was a breeze outside. (Little did I know that it was really the Holy Spirit getting me outside for a divine appointment.) So, I decided to make the best of it, I made some coffee, grabbed my bible, had my headlamp, and headed out to see the stars!
As I sat there under the stars, I asked God what He wanted me to do, so I started to pray and He said, “Stop, just sit with Me.” So, I did, I looked up at the breath taking stars and sat in amazement at the vast beauty that was before me.
Then out of nowhere, I began to weep. The Holy Spirit’s presence came over me like I have never felt before, and for the first time without any lies or doubt I felt the love of my Father. All I could do was cry and thank Him for what He has done for me. I felt the most alive I had ever felt before and yet I couldn’t do anything but just sit and be.
In the very moment He broke so many lies, so many strongholds and poured in His love to fill in all the gabs. He gave me 3 truths that I’ve heard so many times but finally sunk in, He loves me, He delights in me, and I am His beloved.
He showed me that all people in my life that have poured into me and planted seeds of His love weren’t with me physically but where there spiritually. Process it took to get there and that He had it all planned out. He gave me even more hope for what the future has to hold. He showed me 1 Corinthians 13:13 “these three remain, faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is LOVE.” I had the first two but I didn’t fully have love, and if I have two out of three but don’t have the greats of these, do I really have anything? No. Now that I have the greatest of these, man I can’t wait to see the things He’s going to do with me!
I wish I could describe it better but then again, I don’t, because if I could put what I felt into words, then He would be as big of a God has He is. What I do know is that you can experience His love too! My relationship is different than yours, and everybody else’s relationship with Him, but what remains the same is His love. He is so madly in love with each and everyone of you,
let Him love you the way you were made to be loved.
If you don’t know where to start, go to 1 Corinthians 13. Dive into what love looks like because what love looks like is what God looks like, He is a God of love!
I pray that the Holy Spirit takes over and shows you His love for you, shows you that He truly does delight in you and that you are His beloved.
So be-loved
