Saying goodbye is never easy, this season has brought a lot of new hellos, but more goodbyes. I’m so grateful that it has been so hard to say goodbye to my friends and family back home, and now to my family in Colombia. But now I have to say a different kind of goodbye, a forever goodbye.
On February 13th, my Nana got so meet Jesus face to face, she got to sink into the arms of our Creator. He had a room there waiting for her to finally rest without any pain anymore, who knows maybe it even came with the food network or some NCIS. All I know is that she is in the most beautiful place, surrounded by the Most High and that brings me tears of joy.
I keep picturing my Nana when I was really little and my mom ran a daycare at our house. I can see her long hair put up in a clip and her just making snacks like crazy and loving on all the kids so well. I can see her now up in heaven running around with Jesus meeting everyone and just loving every bit of it.
The question I keep asking God is, why now? Why when I’m thousands of miles away from my family and I can’t physically be there for the people I love the most? I have found out through this that I hate not being there for people, it is tearing me apart that I can wrap my mom in a hug right now and cry with her. Every time I think about it tears flood my eyes and mix emotions surface in my heart. I feel angry that I can be home, that I can’t be the one to comfort; I feel at peace knowing my Nana is without pain, yet I feel the pain for knowing my Papa is without the love of his life on valentine’s day.
We may never understand the timing of this but what I do know is that I trust it, I trust Him.
I’m finding out that it’s not me that brings the comfort, even if I was there with my family, it would be Jesus inside of me that would bring the most comfort anyone could possibly give. As much as I want to be there, I trust the Jesus inside my family, inside my family’s friends, to bring all the comfort they could ever want or need.
I keep getting this image of my Papa alone in the TV room and it just keeps destroying me, so I asked where Jesus was in that room because I firmly believe He is everywhere. What He showed me was that room full of my family, I couldn’t see an image of Jesus in this vision but I could see the presence of the Holy Spirit in every single person that was in that room. I could see them hugging him and it would be as if Jesus Himself was hugging him.
The enemy wants me to fixate on the loneliness and I choose to fixate on the room full of people. I choose joy. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3) AS WE mourn and we weep, I still choose joy.
‘He has made everything beautiful in its time.’
I get to hold sorrow and joy at the same time, and it’s an understatement to say that it’s hard, but it’s also beautiful because it can’t be done without Jesus.
I’m thankful for the memories that keep coming to mind. For the time of the toothpicks (had to be there), for the time she came to my first college game and called my first homerun, the time she gave me her necklace that was an engagement present from my Papa, and for all the times she loved so well. I keep thinking about roosters for some reason. They are all over the kitchen in their house, I never heard the story behind it, but it just reminds me of the family dinners we had for birthdays and holidays. There was so much to eat and yet if for some reason, you didn’t find something you liked she would always make you something different. Before she was in a lot of pain, there was so much time spent in the kitchen, and so much love poured into the food that she made.
A big reason I am able to be on the race is because of the support of my Nana and Papa! They supported a lot of missionaries and helped build the Kingdom not only through each other but through other people, like me.
We are so blessed with the hard goodbyes but also blessed with the knowledge that we will see each other again in a place that is like nothing we can imagine.
Please keep my family and me in your prayers. My other grandma is also in the hospital, I’m believing for a miracle in Jesus’ name to be done in her as she waits for test results. All these hardships coming in at once can be intimidating and overwhelming but I believe it’s just a way for us to see how big our God actually is!
We made it to Ecuador after a 31 hour bus ride. It was challenging to overcome the motion sickness but God pulled me through and allowed us all to get here safely. I’m taking a little break from ministry to spend some time with Jesus to figure out how to grieve well during this time, so if you could continue to pray for wisdom in that and for space to do that.
Thank you all for your support and prayers. God is good forever and always!
