Every so often I have to stop and ask myself,
“Danny, what on earth are you doing?”
It’s what keeps me grounded, really. And for someone who makes as many noises and watches as much Survivor as I do, making sure I’m grounded every so often is ohhhh-so-very-very essential. But I used to ask this because I honestly didn’t have an answer.
There’s something absolutely horrifying about not knowing why you’re here. When the wheels come off, and all the hours of practice and studying and living a life for a job and a retirement and even a family seem to fade in light of the fact that none of this will matter in the end, there is a kind of horrible stagnant floating hopelessness that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. And sure you can fight it for a while – “I’m here to live life to the fullest”, "I’m here to do nice things to others”, "I’m here to do what I love"… but in the end none of those can mask the despair you feel when you can’t find anything better, bigger, and more worthwhile than yourself to live for. And you ask yourself in disbelief "is this really it?"
I promise you it’s not
At the lowest point in my life, Jesus became my hope, my savior, my everything. The light of the Gospel flooded my life and literally saved it. And what had burned out into a stale message of a benevolent beardy Man whose life I couldn’t seem to relate to, turned into a relationship with the real living breathing saving God of the Universe. I found my identity in the Gospel that gives hope to everyone – the Gospel that fleshes out a reason for living and for loving – the Gospel that is the source of every ounce of strength and motivation.
And so that same question, “what on earth are you doing??” became something entirely different. It became, Danny, what are you doing with this whole God thing, are you crazy? Nobody follows this stuff, it isn’t real. Have you lost your mind??
“Danny, what on earth are you doing???”
There were those moments where I would just look at my life and what it had become, in complete awe of how I got there. It’s so weird to have your entire life be changed, and the world go on as if nothing happened.
But I think even if I had tried to go back, I wouldn’t have been able to. When God changes your life that completely, it’s all you can do to give Him everything. And so throughout this last year, as my faith has come to mean more to me than anything, the question has changed meanings yet again.
Now it comes when I lose sight of Him. When things get overwhelming, when my prayer life slips, and I begin to pile more and more stuff in between me and time with the Lord. When I make excuses and feel the gravity of the world pulling me back to how I used to be.
Danny, what on earth are you doing???
The truth is I don’t want to go back to the way I used to be. I won’t. I can’t. I have seen a glimpse of the face of the Lord, I have heard His voice, I have tasted His goodness and love and purpose, and I have felt the freedom of the Gospel course through every part of my body!! Freedom from sin, freedom from death, freedom to live, freedom to love – I Promise you there is nothing better!
I’m not doing the World Race to see the world, or because I don’t have to get a job. I’m going because every time I even entertain the idea of staying home, living with security and a salary and safety and comfort and people who speak English and won’t need me to serve them every second of the day, not having to worry about raising support and not seeing my friends for a loooong long time, I hear that same question over and over and I can’t get rid of it.
“Danny, what on EARTH ARE YOU DOING!?!?”
The reality is that I can’t stay. I can’t. I look at what Christ did on the cross, I look at how He served and how He loved, how He carried the entire sin of the world on His shoulders out of love, and that He did that for me… and it all just becomes so clear. This is it. Christ is my new reality. Christ is my only reality! This is His call on my life. I don’t pretend I’m fit for the job – but answering His call – that’s all I can see fit to do.
“If we live we live to the Lord” – Romans 14:8
God to Your Glory let me LIVE!
Love
-Danny
