“I want to cultivate a deep sense of gratitude, of groundedness, of enough, even while I’m longing for something more. The longing and the gratitude, both. I’m practicing believing that God knows more than I know, that He sees what I can’t, that He’s weaving a future I can’t even imagine from where I sit this morning.”
Most racers don’t want to leave the Race early. I know I didn’t. You choose your route because you want to experience all of the cultures in all of the countries. You fundraise the total amount so that you can start and finish the race with your squad. You start to build forever-friendships with your squamates and you don’t want to cut these fast 11 months short. But if I’ve learned anything on the Race, I’ve learned the Lord can change my plans as fast as I make them…
For those of you who don’t know, I had Typhoid Fever back in November. (Read about that experience HERE). Since then, I have had bouts of illness in every country. Some months weren’t so bad, with chronic diarrhea (sorry for the details) and dehydration. Other months, I was out of ministry and taking frequent trips to the local hospitals.
In Africa, I was sick more than I was well. In Botswana, I started throwing up everything I ate and drank. I started losing weight quickly, but the doctors could not determine a cause. In South Africa, I spent the month on bedrest in pain and unable to eat. Confession: It is scary to be away from home and sick with an unknown illness.
Then there was the dreaded question: What do I do now? I didn’t want to go home, even though I knew the Lord had made it clear that I needed to. I’ve learned a thing or two about being obedient to the Lord over the last six months, and this was my opportunity to walk in obedience. So… while the rest of my squad headed to Swaziland, I found myself with a “route change”. Month 7 of my Race would be spent in the United States.
The first week at home entailed a lot of doctor’s appointments, blood tests, scans, and sleeping. One of my biopsy results came back with the answer: I have Tropical Sprue. It is a malabsorption disease that I most likely got back in Asia when I started to feel sick. It was a relief to have a diagnosis, even though it had caused a lot of damage to my body in the last few months and the treatment for Tropical Sprue takes up to 6 months. I spent the next week in the hospital with a feeding tube to help my body regain the nutrition and fluids that I have been unable to digest.
Today, I am still on a feeding tube but I am feeling much better than I was even a week ago. I am able to eat some normal food. I am regaining my strength every day.
Now, the question remains: What’s next?
The answer: I don’t know.
But, here’s what I DO know:
I want to be a person that hears from the Lord and obeys Him.
“Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” John 11:28
I want to be a person that trusts God’s plans even when they don’t look like my own.
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9
“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21
I want to be a person that doesn’t worry about tomorrow because I know God is already in my tomorrow.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34
I want to be a person that doesn’t hurry through struggles and wish away trials because I know God uses them to refine me so that I may look more like Him.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
“ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20
Finally, as the quote at the top of this page says, I want to be a person of gratitude even in the longing. I am longing to feel like myself again. I am longing to get back with my squad and to get back on the field. But at the same time, I am so deeply grateful for what the Lord has already taught me and brought me through. I am at the point of gratitude and longing where I can say and truly mean “Not my will, but Yours.” And I am so grateful that God’s response to our obedience is, “I am going to use that.”
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In the spirit of gratitude, I need to give a big THANK YOU to everyone that has been with me through this journey. You all have shown me just how important community is. My team, my squad, my doctors, my friends and family back home, and even more people that I have never met have rallied behind me in prayer and support. You are an absolute gift.
I have so many stories of God-moments and divine encounters with people on this journey of healing that leaves me with no doubt that God is in control of the most intricate details of our days.
Prayer requests:
Healing of my stomach and ability to eat
Improved strength and energy
Clarity regarding my return to the field
