“Yes or No? Which is it?” – Me
“Just trust me.” – God
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Have you ever been in a season where you didn’t know the exact answer you were looking for but you knew time was closing in so you “needed” an answer?
If your initial response was yes, let me pick your brain with one more question.
Are you in that season right now? And if so, do you trust God enough to build His kingdom the way He needs to?
These are questions that have been running through my mind constantly for the past month. And I would be lying if I said they haven’t been a huge burden in my life. I never question God and his ability to do things but I most definitely have been questioning myself and if I am hearing God the right way.
It was March 7th and I was sitting at Bloom Coffee in Roseville, CA. Prior to this I had been praying through what door God wanted me to walk through once I graduated with my Pastoral License and finished my internship. During conversation, a couple days before March 7th, I was talking with a friend and they had mentioned “The World Race”. I let it go through one ear and out the other but found myself thinking about it nonstop after that conversation. Which brings me back to Bloom. I was sitting there on a beautiful sunny day and praying through if I should apply or not, and all that came to mind was that it would be stupid not to apply. Having this mindset opened up a door to the possible future that God had planned. Now mind you, I had no idea at this moment that it would lead me to where I’m at right now.
While researching “The World Race” I found a route that was headed to some amazing places and in my heart, I just knew that was the one I was supposed to apply for. But the only roadblock in front of me was the age requirement. All the other routes were either 18 to 20 or 21 to 30, but me being me, I decided to apply for the one that was 23 and older which meant I was taking a big step considering I’m only 21 years old (turning 22 in a week). As I was applying, I was talking to God and making it super clear that if He wanted me to go on this journey with The World Race that the age requirement wouldn’t be an issue. On March 9th, I had a phone interview with one of the staff members at The World Race and everything felt like it was aligning perfectly and that I was walking in the will of God. After that interview, I left for Kenya Africa with no confirmation of me being accepted or even if this was the right route but when I returned two weeks later I found out that I was accepted and that’s when things started fogging up.
Even though being accepted brought clarity and confirmation, it also brought doubt, fear, questioning, and insecurities. I have personally only been a Christian for three years now, which means I’m still a baby and learning how to hear Gods voice, so of course once I started down this trail I was very unsure on what to do next. I started asking myself questions such as, “Maybe I didn’t hear Him correctly”, “Maybe I let my own desires get in the way of His will”, and “What if you’ve been doing this wrong the whole time”. Once these thoughts started coming in, I started to disqualify myself with the things God has put on my heart. My mind started to get overwhelmed with everything I needed to do in such a short amount of time and I started to doubt that I was called to ministry at all.
Now obviously, these were all lies from the enemy, but if I’m going to be honest, for the past week I have been pretty upset with God. My thought process has been, “I have laid down my whole life for you. I have surrendered everything to learn more about you and fall more in love with you. I choose YOU above anything else. Can you PLEASE make it clear to me what you want/need me to do, is that too much to ask for??” I have let a very entitled spirit come over me and God, in the last week, led me back to the crucifixion of Jesus. One of the greatest love stories ever written. He led me back to where everything began. He brought me there so I could realize (once again) that He will never forsake his children, and that He is there with us in the midst of our pain.
All of that leads me to where I’m at now…
This season has obviously been very challenging. I personally don’t know what’s next, all I know is that it’s not my job to worry about what’s next, it’s my job to worship Him and thank Him for everything He has already done. God has given me a faith to see Him outside of the box. He has allowed me to love people no matter who they are or what they look like and speak into their lives to bring them freedom, self-worth, and a hope for a better future. He has laid a passion on my heart to share His truth with the whole world and He has given me a drive that wants to work hard for anything He lays on my heart but in the midst of all these gifts and desires, there will be pain, there will be uncomfortable growth and there will be seasons for everything.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”
:: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
This blog is to open up the door to vulnerability with everyone that is a part of my community. It’s for all of you to tag along on this journey God has me on, and pray through things with me while we watch miracles happen in each one of our lives. This life isn’t easy, and I may not consider it pure joy right now, but once this storm passes I will be so thankful I held onto Gods promises and His word.
Today, May 15th, was my first deadline of $5,000, and even though I didn’t make it in time, I am not going to give up. I know that if God wants me there, He’s gonna get me there. If you don’t already know, my goal is $22,000 and I am supposed to leave this august. If it doesn’t work out then I will still choose to seek out my purpose and calling. I will never let go of this new life God has brought me into and I will be forever thankful to have a faithful Father like Him because I know He will never fail me.
If you’re in a similar season, all I can say is TRUST in Him and Him alone. His ways are higher than ours, His thoughts are higher than ours and He is SO GOOD. He is trying to build His kingdom in a very intricate way and only He knows that way. So be on the lookout for open doors and be ready for doors that look open to slam shut in your face because even when we know we are right, we are wrong.
I’ll leave you with this,
“Obedience is my part; the results are His.”
:: Blake Vandemark
XOXO,
:: Danielle Jean
