Peru. The first foreign country I’ve been to, the first time I haven’t understood what anyone is saying to me, the first time that I have stepped out in faith, the first time that I’ve stepped into what God has for me. The first time that I have washed my clothes by hand, preached with a translator, loved people who have no understanding of the comforts that we take for granted in the states. The first time that I have yelled at God, that I have told him I don’t want to follow him, that I have doubted his intentions for me, that I have had to take a long look at how broken I really am and actually let God fill those spaces.
Before leaving for the World Race, I think that I thought that following God’s call and leaving everything I know would magically fix all of my problems. Intellectually I knew that wasn’t possible, but that didn’t stop me from hoping for a painless transition into who God wants me to be. Naturally of course, it has actually brought everything that I was trying to hide out into the open, where I can’t pretend that it’s not there. The pain, the doubt, the confusion, the fear. It hurts, and I am learning that even though I know God’s will is best for me, my flesh doesn’t want it, because in my flawed state I believe that I know what is best for myself. I hate being far from my family, away from my friends, away from security and comfort. And I would even be bold enough to guess that I’m not the only person who feels this way.
I am realizing that following God is uncomfortable. At launch, one of the speakers assured us that “God isn’t safe, but he is good.” I am realizing that to be close to God, I need to be broken in a way that makes me so vulnerable that there is nothing in my life that he can’t touch. That includes my family and my friends, my few possessions and my pride, my past, my present, and my future. That I need to remember during the hard times that God is good, even if it’s him and me, and no one else to remind me. I am learning that I can’t cling so tightly to safety, that I don’t give God space to work. That there should be nothing in this world that I value more than him, and that even if he takes everything away from me, he is still good.
If anybody tells you that following God is easy, they are lying, because I have never done something harder in my life. But I do believe that he is worth it, and that this is worth it, and that we will see kingdom come this year. He says only takes the faith of a mustard seed, and right now that’s about all I have.
As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head. To another he said, “follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God. Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but first let me say farewell to those who are at home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.
Luke 9:57-62
