I’m attempting to write a blog. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried in the 50 days I’ve
been home. In fact, I have 6
started that I’ll probably never finish.
For whatever reason, I can’t write, but I feel the need to. So I’m just going to type and see. Something is bound to come out of this.
I’ve been stateside for 50 days now. That’s kind of crazy when I think about
it. I mean, that’s more than
enough time to be reacquainted with my camera, more than enough time to have
eaten foods I missed. Fifty
days. Aside from Eldoret, Kenya,
that’s more time than I spent in any one location in over a year. That’s just crazy. It’s crazy to think I’ve been home this
long. The Race seems like just
yesterday, though, most of the time it just feels like a dream.
If I’m honest, I miss having things planned for me. I miss having a contact, having ministry,
having money taken care of. I miss
living life without worry of tomorrow.
As I think more and more about life after the Race, I find myself
missing this even more.
The reality is, I have no reason to worry about
tomorrow. I know the Lord is good;
I know that He is faithful. I know
that wherever I go He’ll be walking alongside me. But the truth is, I still worry. I still think myself into ruts. I’d still rather spend most days avoiding the future than
accepting that it’s going to happen.
Trying to make decisions about what’s next, while balancing
re-entry and grief is never an easy feat.
It gets even harder when you take God out of the picture. Somewhere amidst the chaos of death and
the confusion of re-entry, I’ve lost the passion I once had for my Lord and I’m
simply not okay with that. I’m not
okay with trying to go about this alone.
So I’m not.
I’m done trying to be in control.
I’m done trying to speed up His timing.
I’m done shutting Him out when it’s His comfort I need.
The truth is, I’ve made my decision. I know what comes next. But if He’s not involved, I’ll never
feel peace.
So I’m praying for peace while striving for intimacy. It’s time to stir up that passion
again. Yep. It’s happening.
I included this because, well, I’ve been rereading blogs a lot over the past few days and was reminded of the things the Lord taught me through this little girl.
