“We have water. We can baptize you,” Bethany said eagerly, ready to do it right then and there. “Maybe we should do it over the sink,” Ashley suggested. She’s always being sensible.
As we gathered in that upper room, God was doing a work in my heart. He took me back to a day I’ve talked quite freely about in the last few weeks-the day of my Confirmation. As I sat there and thought about this day, I was overcome with an uneasiness, a restlessness. I soon realized it was because my Confirmation day, a day I was supposed to profess my faith as my own and accept the Holy Spirit into my life, was nothing more than a lie.
I suppose I should explain that a bit more. So, let me take you there, about 6.5 years ago when I was a sophomore in high school.
Most Catholics get confirmed around 8th grade. I didn’t. Because I still wasn’t confirmed, I went through the Sacraments program at my high school and was set to be confirmed at the end of my sophomore year. I remember it was during soccer season and I remember I didn’t want it. I never spoke up though. You see, this point in my life was among the lowest for me. I struggled daily with thoughts of suicide and depression had truly taken over my life. I hadn’t run from God, but I had turned my back on Him-not believing He was acting in these moments of darkness. The day of my Confirmation, I was overcome with tremendous guilt for not speaking up. How on earth could I possibly stand there, before roughly 1200 people at my high school, and profess this faith as my own, asking for the Holy Spirit to come into my life when I really didn’t want it? How could I stand there and lie in front of all these people and live with that guilt? My only solution: I couldn’t.
The day of my Confirmation, I planned to take my own life. It wasn’t a passive plan. It was thought out, prepared and set to go. I couldn’t stand the mere thought of living my life with the guilt I was feeling so I was ready to give into the thoughts in my head. All I had to do was get through the day.
God clearly had other plans in store for me, or I wouldn’t be writing this blog. He intervened in a big way through the gift and words of one of my teachers. I can still remember her handing me the box that contained the crucifix I still wear to this day and speaking the words, “Always know there are at least two people in this world who love you-the one who gave you the cross and the one who’s on it.” That moment may have stopped the suicide, it may have planted a seed within me, but it didn’t redeem the lie of my Confirmation. It didn’t redeem the fact that I didn’t believe a word I professed as truth in that moment.
It was that need for redemption that had me restless today. The need to publicly declare what I believe is truth. So I stood up, overcome with this w
arm, tingling sensation and looked at my brothers and sisters around me. “From this day, this moment, I choose to serve God. I know it’s something I have to choose daily but I need to just make this known. The seeds that were planted in childhood….this faith that was once of my parents….It’s mine. This is my faith. I’m only moving forward from here.” There was more to be said but honestly, I don’t even remember it. But what I know is the freedom that was had in proclaiming it. The freedom that continued into a small bathroom in Hungary. That’s right, a bathroom.
As we moved into the bathroom, all 7 gathered in this small place, I sat in the chair not fully knowing what was to come, but not really caring because it was all for my Lord. Tres started us off:
Then Philip ran up to the chariot and heard the man reading Isaiah the prophet. “Do you understand what you are reading?” Philip asked. “How can I,” he said, “unless someone explains it to me?” So he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. The eunuch was reading this passage of Scripture:
“He was led like a sheep to the slaughter,
and as a lamb before the shearer is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
In his humiliation he was deprived of justice.
Who can speak of his descendants?
For his life was taken from the earth.”The eunuch asked Philip, “Tell me, please, who is the prophet talking about, himself or someone else?” Then Philip began with that very passage of Scripture and told him the good news about Jesus. As they traveled along the road, they came to some water and the eunuch said, “Look, here is water. Why shouldn’t I be baptized?” And he gave orders to stop the chariot. Then both Philip and the eunuch went down into the water and Philip baptized him.
The music was playing, prayers flowed forth from Ashley’s lips, and before I knew it, I had been baptized. Baptized into this new life. Baptized into this new truth. With bottled water, Ashley in pajamas, 6 brothers and sisters at my side, in a small Hungarian bathroom, I was baptized-and I couldn’t feel more free. Everything I was, everything I am, has been completely washed clean and from this day forward, I serve no one, NO ONE but my God. I am no longer a slave to my thoughts, no longer a slave to my past, no longer a slave to myself. I am completely and totally free. I am His beloved daughter and He has created me for this moment, this moment of freedom. He has prepared a dwelling within me and forever His Spirit will live inside. I am pressing forward and I’m bringing kingdom wherever I go. That’s not a want, that’s not a desire, that’s a promise!
To read another great take on today, read Ashley’s blog. Not only does she talk about the amazing worship after, she’s a gifted writer and well, today would not have been what it was without her by my side. Every one of them made today the beautiful moment it was because every one of them helped usher in God’s presence in a way I’ve never known before.
Thank you Lord for the way you showed up today. Thank you for your overwhelming love and grace and for trusting us to bring your kingdom. Thank you for the fire, for the zeal, for the passion we have to seek your face. Continue to light that fire within us. Continue to draw us closer to you. Thank you Lord for my brothers and sisters and the community of love we’ve established. Thank you that, though we’re not perfect and we do fall, we’re here to bring you glory and through that we’re blessed with days like today. Continue to rain down upon us your love and your grace. Continue to break us and build us back up. Continue to break hearts of stone and replace them with hearts of your own. Guide us. Protect us. Engulf us in your loving arms. Be with us today, tomorrow, and forever. You alone are our strength. You alone are our God. And I thank you. You alone are worthy of all glory, honor, and praise.
