Lately, I’ve been investing a lot of my energy into my blogs. I took ideas home from camp on how to gain subscribers and always make sure to post new ones to both facebook and myspace. I’ve started writing at least 5x a week and really, it hasn’t been a chore. I’ve loved it! I’ve had the opportunity to share my views and beliefs about topics I normally don’t discuss and I’ve even made a list of almost 50 potential blog topics to work on. I can honestly say I’m excited about this whole blogging process!!
This topic was not on my list.
Last night, after I posted my “Friday” blog, I was overcome with this thought, “Is there anyone who’s going to actually read this?” I mean, sure, I have maybe a dozen subscribers and teammates who come by every now and then, but I couldn’t help but think that this was all a fruitless effort.
Immediately I recognized these thoughts as not from God and asked Him to silence the voices I was starting to tune to. I asked Him to help me to hear HIS voice and His alone.
As I lay there, ready to sleep, yet not able, I found myself starting to realize, this isn’t about the number of people reading my blogs; it’s about who is reading my blogs. God revealed two things to me last night. The first of these things is that I am incredibly lonely right now. The second is just how much I love this World Race family.
It’s been not even a month since I’ve graduated college but let me tell you, a lot has changed. Living on campus, people are always around you. Loneliness is masked by your ever-present acquaintances. There’s always something to do and someone to do it with, as one day flows into the next. Life at home is not like that though. I find myself interacting more with my dog than I do with my friends. Watching TV or reading or playing online solitaire seem really like the only options for someone who’s not working a summer job. I no longer have that security of people all around me. I live in a loving household, yes, but oftentimes, we just do our own thing until the evening. Occasionally I find myself driving out to Valpo (IN) or New Lenox (IL) to spend time with the few friends I have, but even those days are numbered. Sometimes my only social activity is when I do break away from my family and go to Mass on my own. I’m 22 years old and the only social activity I have throughout the week is going to Mass. That’s kind of lame.
AOL Instant Messenger has become like my best friend over the past few years, keeping me in touch with “friends.” What I’m noticing more and more though, is that though I’m always online, I rarely have anyone to talk to. I eagerly await the moment when the one or two friends of mine will sign online so I can send them that nonchalant IM, not giving away that I’ve been longing for them to sign on. That would just make me seem sad and pathetic.
I am blessed to say though, that despite this loneliness I feel, God continues to fill this void in many different ways. For one thing, He’s shown me just how much I value my fellow World Racers and the relationship we have with one another. I’ll admit, at first, I was jealous when some Racers were able to literally hang out with one another during these 2 months. The more I think about it though, the more it just brings a smile to my face to see them able to do so. For the most part, we’re a group of people who never knew each other before camp. Now, we’re a group of people who want to never not know each other. We think about each other when we’re awake; we think about each other when we’re asleep. We love each other and really, we have no reason to beyond the fact that we’re brothers and sisters in Christ who are sharing this journey together.
With each facebook status I see, wall post that comes up in my news feed, or picture that gets tagged, I am reminded of this beautiful relationship we have with one another. It brings a smile to my face and warms my heart. And each time, it takes a way a bit more of that loneliness I feel.
Less than 2 months until I leave for the best, worst, happiest, saddest, craziest adventure of my life. Does everyone care? No, but that’s ok. The people who care are the ones that matter.
