Here is a journal entry from 2/9/09…
“I’m in the fire and it hurts. It is hot. My impurities are rising to the surface. They are ugly. I don’t like what I’m seeing. Usually I’m so much more patient than this. Lately I’ve been thinking to myself that I can’t take this anymore. Grace is running thin. In all honesty I’m tired of being in Africa. I’m tired of being called a Mzungu. I’m sick of wearing frumpy clothes yet still being grabbed by Dala Dala conductors as they drive by. I’m tired of being stared at like a circus animal. I’m tired of being proposed to by men I don’t even know. I’m over being told what I can and can’t wear. I don’t like that I can’t go anywhere by myself but even when I do take one of my brothers with me I still get hollered at like a piece of meat. Traveling in groups can be super frustrating. My clothes stink even though they’ve been washed. Even spiritually…I’m exhausted. This place has so much darkness. I need Jesus more than I need food. Even if the only thing I do is walk down the mountain we live on to buy some t.p. I have to have filled up on Grace or I’ll end up hating anything and everything around me. It’s just proof that I have nothing to give of myself. If Jesus wasn’t inside of me I would have absolutely nothing to offer. He is my Saving Grace…literally. I can literally feel the fire of God burning all the crap off of me and it hurts. Even though I want it gone, as much as I want this pain to be over, I want Jesus more. So yeah…I’m tired and it sucks…but He’s worth it.”
So..yeah…sorry if I sound like a Debbie Downer in that entry but I figured you’d wanna know the truth…and mostly I just don’t feel like putting on a blog-smile and tell you everything is beautiful. Just to be honest…there are a lot of times where my flesh wants to go be comfortable. I want to stay on top of the mountain we live on because thats where a lot of the believers live. But I know that Dad has called us to come down the mountain and love. Interesting how I preach on love on Sunday and then all week I struggle with it. I don’t like that I’m struggling with it. I wish I could just love the way Jesus did. It’s been about 5 days since I wrote that journal entry and things are much better. I don’t hate the world, or Africa for that matter, and I’m learning more and more about how to die to myself and CHOOSE to love.
Thanks for all your prayers and support! Bwana sifi we! (Praise the Lord in Swahili)
