I have rewritten this exact blog about 20 times over.
Words fail me. I don't know how to address what it is I need to address. Guess I have to dive right in.
The majority of you reading this probably know. If you dont, then I am telling you for the first time.
I made the decision to leave the World Race and come home.
I wanted to write this blog, because I want to share my heart in this. I know it isn't 100% neccessary, but I believe that some of you are owed an explanation. I want to be as honest as the Lord wants.
I signed up for the World Race in November of 2011 and that was an interesting period in my life. I knew I was graduating from college that coming May and honestly had no idea what the future looked like ahead. I knew I just wanted to get out in the world. I've always had these dreams of seeing this entire world and doing BIG things. This adventrous spirit lives within me. I felt that my little heart couldn't handle a 9-5, at least not at this point in my life. I was meant to do something bigger than that, right?
I've also had such a heart for the world, as well. I wanted to serve..
I wanted to go to the least of these. I wanted to help.
I made some quick decisions. I didn't fully consider God's heart for me in all this. I wanted what I wanted. I thought, "this program was made for me". It's everything I've ever wanted, but is it everything God wanted for me?
I had a hard time putting words to what I was feeling. Honestly, my journal was a crazy mess. Why didn't I have a peace about where I was? Why did I constantly feel the Lord speaking to me in that still, small voice that I wasn't meant to stay. I wasn't incredibly homesick. I hadn't cried all month (Sorry Mom!). I was growing used to the no airconditioning, bugs, and wierd toilets. Remember, I'd went on other mission trips. Plus, I would get crazy excited when I got to have some chocolate, it would start to downpour, or ceiling fans worked. The Lord gave me little things to make me smile. It got me through.
This wasn't a "I'm not comfortable feeling" though. This was a discontent in my spirit. I hated it. I hated that "this is just wrong" feeling I had. My mind goes back to several times in my life I got that feeling and I ran for the hills. Whether it was a relationship I shouldn't have been in. A place I shouldn't be or a situation that just didn't feel right. I've prayed for discernment in that area.
So why did I question myself now? I thought surely I wasn't hearing the Lord right. I basically just got here. I would disappoint everyone back home. I can't handle that. I can't leave my team. These are thoughts that circulated in my brain as I was getting ready to fly out of India and onto Nepal. I basically put a wall up and said " God, I'm not sure why I feel you telling me this. But it's just not happening." In fact, I journaled one night and wrote down this exact sentence "I don't know what's wrong with me. Something isn't right. But I'm going to have to sort it out once I get to Nepal."
I didn't feel like I could talk about this with anyone. No one would understand. I was getting on that plane to Nepal. I didn't care how I "felt".
I couldn't have predicted the events that would take place just hours before my plane was set to leave the country. I went out with some of my team to spend a final day in India. I did sovenior shopping. I bought some more soap, found some more mosquito bite cream (i looked like I had lepresy), and found a Papa John's! We were in the big city, with the airport and all.
I hopped on a rickshaw to head back to the place we were staying. Which happened to be a Roman Catholic convent. (I made jokes to the nuns that if I never married, I would return to live with them. They didn't catch my joke). We got dropped off and paid the driver. I took 5 steps away from the car when I realized I was missing one of my bags. I dropped everything in my hands and turned to chase after the man. I started screaming. He was within my fingertips, but he couldn't hear my yelling. When he really started to take off, he was just GONE. I still ran. I still screamed, but he was getting farther and farther away. Then he turned a corner. I reached that corner and saw 50 more rickshaws. It was like a scene outta some New York City movie. I went to every single auto, to see if it was my driver. It wasn't. I got to the end of the street. He was nowhere in sight. He vanished. All the Indians just stared at me while I stood in the middle of the street processing what had just happened. I was out of breath. It'd been a while since I ran that fast. Jason, a guy on my squad, that helped me chase him down asked me "What was in that bag, Crosby?"
I went into panic mode, realizing that "that particular bag" had my wallet and phone in it. All my money, my drivers license, my debit card, my iPhone. But most importantly, my passport and Visa. We tried to hunt it all down for many hours after I lost it. Even returning to the place we hopped into the little rickshaw. With it getting dark, I eventually had to return to the hostel for the night and I prayed he would feel convicted by God to return it. Pray I did. If you remember, my passport has already been stolen in another foreign country. The Philippines. Actually my entire team had their passports taken; we prayed that if the thief returned nothing else, he would at least return the passports. That's exactly what happened.
I think if I ever travel again …. I'll glue my passport to my face.
I laid in my bed at the hostel and mourned the loss of everything I had just loss. My team leader told me "Crosby, God has a plan in all of this. You know that right?" In my head I was thinking, Yeah? Well, what is it?
I spent that evening out in the garden begging God to bring it all back. Begging him to work this all out. I felt him tell me in that moment for the first time, very clearly to go home. I didn't want to believe that. I still felt that I would just have to figure it all out and get to Nepal when I could.
4 am the next morning I dropped my squad off at the airport. I was left in India, really having no idea when I would return to my team. Who knows how long the process could take.
I spent the next week figuring that out. It was exhausting. I spent countless hours in the Indian Visa Office. Not exactly the most helpful people or kind for that matter. The gentlemen helping me constantly had something else I needed before he could help me. I spent many hours in the Hyderabad Police Station. I was alone. I spent my birthday alone. Not a single person I really knew. Yet, God found multiple ways to make that day a happy day for me. I had a Indian- Style Birthday party where they played "Happy Birthday and Jingle Bells" all night long. I laid down that night and thought "No, I wasn't with my family eating at some overpriced version of Applebee's back home" and "No, I wasn't even with my team". I was with strangers, but they treated me like family. I wouldn't have wanted to turn 22 anywhere else in the world.
(my birthday party- i was fed cake for an hour- no lie)
(type in "My Indian Birthday" in youtube. to see a video of a bit of my hilarious party)
In that week, I got alot of alone time to spend with God. Something the World Race can't really promise you. Not alot of privacy can be affored. So I was thankful. I made the final decision to come home and let my team/ World Race staff know my decison. Everyone was so encouraging and trusting in my discernment as a Christian to make a decision like this. I finally came to terms with the fact that he had been telling me this for a while. I just finally made the decision to listen.
I wrestled with so much. I didn't want to dissappoint people. I was (once again) far more concerned with the thoughts of others than I was with my Father. I am at my very core a people pleaser. I want people to like me. I want people to respect my character. But if there is anything I learned, it's that I can't be obsessed with what everyone thinks. I have to follow his will and let HIM take care of everyone else.
I am now back in America. I've always said that everything happens for a reason. However, do I wanna say that my passport (and all my valueables) were taken- so that i would wake up? I don't know. I hate to even think that's what it would take for the Lord to get me to listen. But stranger things have happened.
I'm not gonna play God. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully understand why he called me home. Although, I pray I eventually do. I just knew staying wasn't right.
I'll never regret India. I know that God wanted me in India for July and bits of August. I know he wanted me to spend many days without my team and virtually alone in a far away place from Home, to truly depend on him.
I experiened God's love in India in ways I never have. I saw poverty like I can't explain. I ate curry that made my nose run. Daily. I cried as I led different Hindu men and women in a prayer for salvation. I experienced the darkness that looms. I grew to understand just how 'little' you need to survive. It isn't much. I feared for my safety. I was gawked at constantly. I wore skirts to my ankles, because in their culture well… anything else is scandalous.
I want what I witnessed in India to seep through me until I'm old and grey. After I leave this earth, I pray it lives on through my children. I now have knowledge. Knowledge means responsiblity.
There is still SO MUCH to tell about my 5 weeks in India. India deserves many long conversations. Over the phone, over skype, over tea and coffee (well, if I drank coffee). That's what I will do.
I have hilarious things to share:
Like the time, I took picture after picture with different Indians at a local Indian fair. I'm talkin' large groups of people. I think they mistook me for a white celebrity. ha
Or the time I smiled and waved at a murderer, in the police station. Getting a police report done for my missing passport. I got in trouble, the man telling me "Ma'am, he is a murderer!" What can I say? I caught his eye and I was just being friendly!
Or the healings I witnessed. The salvations I witnessed. The homes I entered. The eyeballs I looked into.
While I felt that my World Race journey was over. My journey isn't over. I have alot of work to do for the Lord's kingdom. I'm going to live more like Jesus. I'm going to let these experiences change my heart. Things will be different. I'm going to continue to follow the Lord. Through every sharp turn that lies ahead. On every mountain top and in every valley. Right now feels like a valley.
I'm not sure what life has in store. But one thing is for sure. I am and will always continue to be – His.
Pray for me in this transition time. It hasn't been the easiest. As I didn't figure it would. I'm trusting. I worry constantly. So that makes it even harder.
To you that have went on this journey with me, I thank you. Thank you for believing in me. I will be individually contacting many of the people that supported me in various ways. From the very bottom of my heart I thank you. While I don't expect everyone to understand. I pray that you see my heart loud and clear through this blog. I'm just a girl chasing after her Lord. I know I'm gonna make about a million mistakes, but I'm gonna run after him with everything I have. I want just what he has for me.
Thank you for reading.
(Things I'm trying to remind myself daily)
