Trust in the Lord with all your Heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path- Proverbs 3:5-6
A week before I launched on this journey I found out my friend’s husband committed suicide because he was suffering from bipolarism. This news made my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. I had NO clue my friend and her husband were suffering through this and if I had just shared my story (the story I’m about to tell you) with them, then maybe I would have been able to make a difference in their situation. It’s scary and hard to share the most vulnerable parts of our lives, but if I can help just one person with sharing it, then it’s all worth it.
Throughout high school and college, I strived for perfection, made straight A’s, work to pay my way through college and my first car. Let’s just say my parents didn’t have to worry about me too much…until I came home from college. College was not fun for me, I took on a full load of classes and working 20-30 hours a week. I remember graduating and feeling freedom for the first time in my life. I started to party, travel and have crazy fun. I now know I scared the bejesus out of my parents. After a couple of months of partying, I remember my mother sitting me down on my bed and telling me that bipolarism runs in my family and she thought I had it. My perfectionism immediately triggered and the thought of something being broken scared the living crap out of me. I wanted to be fixed! I took my mom’s advice and went to a psychiatrist, I remember telling the doctor that bipolarism ran in my family and within 15 minutes I walked out with a prescription.
Trying to “fix” myself didn’t just stop with the prescription, I stopped drinking & going to bars, starting going back to church and literally got involved with any church activity possible…thinking this would fix me. I even decided to bet baptized. Unfortunately, with all of these so called changes to try and fix myself I was still letting bipolarism define me. Part of me wanted to act out and party because I felt like I had an excuse to do it. For example, the night before I got baptized, I partied so hard the person who baptized me, could probably smell the alcohol wreaking on my breath and leaking out of my pores. Ugh…how I’ve felt so much shame and guilt for being baptized under these circumstances.
Fast forward ten years, I decided to see a counselor because I wanted to work on my relationships with friends and men. When you look at your self in the mirror every day telling yourself that you’re broken and unworthy of being loved, it tends to create walls to hide behind when creating relationships. Through seeking this counsel, I actually found out that I was NOT bipolar. You would think that this new diagnosis would be freeing, but I clung on to the bipolar identity for so long that I was afraid of letting it go. I had nothing to hide behind anymore, nothing to blame besides myself for not being loved. If I actually put myself out there, would anyone really love me for me? I had been rejected so many times when I told men I was bipolar. If they rejected me now it’s because they didn’t like me…that thought truly scared me.
It’s been two years since I found out that I wasn’t bipolar, and it’s been a process of healing and truly knowing that I am worthy of being loved. Looking back on my experience, I could easily make an excuse and say that those ten years of being labeled as bipolar were stolen from me, but I would rather say that the enemy held me captive to my label and I wouldn’t give it to the Lord to set me free. If I had the faith that I had now, then I know I would have approached my life a little differently because the label of being bipolar hurt me more than actually being. I also know that my story will be used for His Glory!
This past month on the race has given me the most freedom ever! The Lord has redeemed me of my past hurt and I am truly thankful to be set free of all the feelings of unworthiness and brokenness. I’ve learned how the enemy is sneaky and wants me to believe everything negative about myself…he is so WRONG! The Salvation of my Father is the only way I could ever be set free from this captivity; not just the medication, not the doctors or the church activities. I’m also excited to say that I will be baptized on the race and will be able to share that experience with you all! True freedom, love and peace from God is so beautiful and something that I want everyone to experience in life. Sharing our messy life is scary but worth it if we can help just one person.
