I am small

Ever since my first trip to Uganda back in 2011 people have been telling me I’m something. They have said things like:  “You’re such a good person” or “we need more people like you.” When I signed up for the Race people still expected that from me. They told me I was gonna do “big things.” They told me I was gonna “change the world.” As I’m sitting here in month 10, I’m gonna be honest with y’all I have done nothing of the sort. 

 

Month one, I planted vegetables. Month two, I created a rock pathway. Month 3, I taught English. Month 4, I spent my days with children with special needs. Feeding, changing and struggling to understand what my Spanish speaking instructor was saying. Month 5, I walked around villages inviting people to church. Month 6, I created posters for a third grade class. Month 7, I painted windows and primed a building. Month 8, I sat at an office and called every church on the island of Penang for a fundraiser. Month 9, I looked for new partnerships for the  World Race. And here I am finishing up month 10 at a seminary teaching one class a day. Honestly most of the World Race I have wondered why the heck I am doing this in this specific country. I wanted adventure. I wanted action. I wanted to change the world. But instead I am doing something that is not unique. Something that you do not need special skills for. Something that everyone can do. 

 

You see, people are obsessed with a product. Even the church. We are obsessed with “seeing the work” that others are doing. We want to know the numbers. The statistics. We want to see the difference your time somewhere is doing. We want to know how many people were “saved” or how many hungry children were fed. And I hate to break it to you but I don’t have much “success” to show you for my year. 

 

But this is where I wanna tell us that we are wrong. Me included. Success is not determined by what you can show for it. Success takes different forms. And when we are talking about human beings you can’t measure success. Sure, you can measure the change that you can see on the outside but you can’t measure what’s going on in the inside. 

 

Truthfully this year I feel small. I feel that most of the reason I went on this trip was not to only help others but to learn that I am indeed small. That I am not gonna change the world by myself. That I am not that special. Because before this year I thought I was something. I thought that I was gonna start a huge non-profit in Africa and have people know my name. Because my success was built on how big my name was or measured by how many things changed because of me. 

 

This year has humbled me. Humbled me to know that God needs me to be small to be used. Humbled me because some of the work that we have done and the ministries we have worked with I wouldn’t have chosen for myself…ever. Humbled me because he keeps teaching me lessons. Lessons that I thought I had already conquered. Lessons that I thought I had success to show for. And I believe that this BIG God chose me to go on this journey to show me how small I am. And to really make it clear that he doesn’t need me. He wants me, but he doesn’t need me. People have come before me and people will come after me. All having the same Spirit within them. All being led by Him. 

 

So as I come to America. I am excited. I am excited that God has given me awesome gifts and reshaped me this year. In so many ways, friends. He’s giving me desires I didn’t know I had. Causes I want to devote my life to. Passion to just be in relationship with people. And that’s all thanks to this trip. This year was a success for my inner being, for my future, for my life.

 

But I can’t necessarily show you the product of that. I can’t take a picture of it and send it to you. I can’t boast and say “look at this, look at what I did.” Because truthfully God is just preparing me for relationship. He has established that relationship with me and is now advancing that passion for relationship with other people.

 

I am excited to take the pressure of doing something BIG with life off my shoulders. We don’t have to do big things to change the world. We can all do our part, in our own cities, to help shape the bigger picture.

 

Remember that we are small. But God loves small. He constantly wants us to humble ourselves so he can show us just how big he is. He will use you. We just gotta pretend we are not the center of the world to notice it.