I’m on the World Race traveling around the world learning about my Creator, his creation and myself. I am in my fourth month of this journey, which consists of 11 months a new country each month. Some say I am brave, some say I am a good person, some say I am awesome but I am here to tell you that I am not awesome. I am telling you this not to make you really tell me that I am but to tell you why I am not.
Do you ever feel that your much worse than people say you are? And maybe a little guilt or fear sinks in that when this person finds out who you really are they won’t like you anymore? For example…
I am on a journey about the Lord and a lot of days I don’t do my devotion or pray individually. I make this trip about me a lot and get upset when I don’t get my way. I gave up a year of my life back home to realize that I still haven’t given up much. I complain about how the world needs more justice and love, yet still haven’t realized how to give that to the people I am surrounded by. Most days I find joy in other things besides the One who brings true joy. Community surrounds me all the time and I still have yet to allow it to fully change me. I have yet to give up the things others are trying to help me grow in. I snap at my squad mates and expect to love people I meet yet haven’t figured out how to love others right here in front of me. I preach grace and most days only save it for the people I deem worthy enough. I lose patience with myself, my team and the people I am here to serve. Sometimes I just want to stay home from ministry and sleep or have “me time” because I am tired of people. Sometimes I want to go back to the “easier” life in the States but then realize that even if I have comforts, life is hard no matter where you are.
And even though I might put on a good show and succeed at some of these things on the outside. I have to fight for it. Sometimes to the point that I am exhausted with loving the people around me.
I say this all not to make you pity me, but maybe for a small hope that it’ll give you some encouragement. I don’t want to break myself down and have you think that I am down on myself, I just want to be honest. We can all be a little more honest about our struggles, ya know? I also say this because I am on a journey that most people deem as something only awesome people can do, but again I am here to say that is simply not true. I believe everyone has potential to serve others or to take a leap of faith into the unknown.
One thing that I have realized throughout this journey is that our God is a God that answers and that wants to help. The days that I feel down and the days that I am not understanding why I am here, He reminds me with a sweet smile or a swift kick in the ass from a teammate or friend back home. I am continuingly renewed by His peace, grace and fresh start that he offers daily. I am rewnewed by His “come as you are” heart for me and also for you. He calls us to be okay in Him not to be okay in ourselves. I realized that life with God is about accepting that we are all ugly, weak and rebellious, yet we are all beautiful, strong and chosen. It is okay to not be okay. That’s the mission statement of this year for me.
I almost feel guilty when these above things happen because I don’t want my supporters to think that I fail at these things that from the outside I look so good at doing. Don’t get me wrong Jesus has really changed me and gave me a desire to love people that I wouldn’t love without him, but I tell you that I am still work in progress. I can do this whole World Race thing without Him, but hate it. I can do this whole Christian thing without him, but hate it. But I don’t want that, I want the joy He brings and that’s a lot harder than it looks. I am thankful for this month in Ecuador, a new month to stop playing this World Race person so well and start to actually let Jesus do His work in me.
Race life has it’s bad days and then it’s days that we feel like we are on top of the world. But Race life is a lot like normal life. You will fail. You will learn (A LOT). And you will have fun, but it’s a lesson about growth and being confident in the fact that Jesus is working in you, to change you, even if it’s not as fast as you would think.
And as Shane Claiborne says, “I am not awesome, only God is awesome.”
