I’m sitting here on the final day of our first full week in Haiti reflecting on the things that I have felt this last week. If I am being honest things are not what I thought they were going to be in Haiti. Three years ago I was told I was going to Haiti. That didn’t work out so I guess you could say that my heart was awaiting Haiti. It was awaiting it’s people, culture, landscape and joy. But that is not what I am finding. Although people tell you to drop all expectations with going on the Race, it’s kind of impossible. Even if you do not speak your expectations out loud they are there and when they are let down it’s hard.
I got on the plane in Atlanta a week and a half ago ready for Haiti. Ready for Haiti to bring me joy, love and peace. What I found when I got here was that, at first, but the honeymoon is over. The first week went by and the spiritual side of things started to sink in. Not only that, but my heart was just not as joyful. I began this week absolutely exhausted and run down after two days off and only a week of ministry. I was confused and frustrated with myself. I felt dry and just worn out. I told myself, “This is your thing, this is what you love to do. You have to get out of this rut. You have 10 and half months left of this.” Truth be told I love what I am doing, but Haiti is wearing on me more than I have ever felt before. I love so many things about this month. But something is not right in my soul with Haiti and it’s frustrating to me.
But I have a choice. I could soak in all this and just wish this month away but that’s not what I want my first month to be marked with. This is a big opportunity that I get to take to make this month mean something. I get to dive into my relationship with the Lord. Because honestly I can’t get through this month without my time with Him, and He needs to me to lean on Him for that. There’s something beautiful about being weary with something you cannot control. There’s something beautiful about leaning on something so much greater than you to get you through. So although this month is not what I expected I am surrendering all I have so that He can do the work through me that I can’t do for myself.
This is not what I expected my first month to look like. I expected this by month three or four when I started to get worn out physically and tired of pressing in. But this is also better than I expected because I get to spend this month diving into His strength and setting a foundation for the rest of this year. I think it’s finally hit me that the World Race has started and that the World Race is not all fun and adventure even when your ministry is something you enjoy. There’s a soul journey that I am going through too. The physical part of this adventure might have it’s perks, but in the end the soul journey is all I care about. I want to be brought to a deeper communion with Abba and that won’t happen when I am comfortable and content in a physical place. I’m giving the Lord my dry bones and I am promised that He will renew them. I am choosing joy, every day, every hour, every minute. I have to.
Thanks for your prayers, love, & support. I seriously cannot do this without your prayers. This journey is going to be wild.
