When I got back from Uganda the first time I was what they call a legalistic Christian. I told myself that I would not drink, I would not cuss, and I would follow the Bible with everything I got. Well, turns out like most people find out that life sucks and you screw up. Not only do you screw up, but you feel that you are being the fakest person on the earth. You are so focused on being “that person” God wants you to be that you forget that you are NOT that person. This life was miserable for me to the point that I almost just dropped this whole Christian thing.
But I found out after a few months of searching that other people struggle with this too. SHOCKER. To me this really was a shocker. I had seen God move in my life in multiple ways when I was in Uganda. I had seen extreme faith in people that didn’t have food for their next meal receive food just before they needed it. I had felt the peace of Jesus show up when I needed him the most. I was convinced that he was real but was wondering why it was so hard to live up to His standard.
I searched around for answers that eventually led me to a new places and new group of believers. Through social media I was opened up to a struggle that I had never seen before. People just like me realizing that following Jesus is not about following rules but about letting him do the work. Ones that admitted they didn’t read their bible that day because they didn’t have the desire. Ones that admitted that they lied that morning. Ones that admitted that they tried to love someone that they didn’t like and failed miserably. This was beautiful to me. This was something I had never seen. This was something that I thought only I struggled with. Of course, that was not true but when you feel alone, you feel it, ya know?
I think the most important thing that this honest community did for me was open my eyes to the true struggle of this world. Yes, we are all sinners. Yes, we all screw up but the Gospel is all about grace. All about the person of Jesus giving up his throne to come down to earth to have relationships with us all. He wasn’t legalistic. He actually condemned it. He was truthful . He actually loved to hear the real and raw truth from people’s deepest secrets. He wanted to know you personally and not just what you showed on the outside. He condemned the Pharisees and loved the broken.
Now if we are being honest here we are all struggling with something. Sure, don’t admit it but you can best believe I’m in a constant struggle. I am in need of grace everyday. I am hopeful for that grace everyday. And frankly sometimes I wake up in the morning with no desire to seek Jesus. Actually, quite often I do this. It makes me even more frustrated with myself. But the beauty of it is that Jesus expects that. Matter of fact he loves that part about us. He loves that we cannot love that person we hate. He loves that we cannot wake up in a joyous mood ready to read the Bible and do his work. He loves that we cannot find joy in our current situation. Because it means that we have to be dependent on Him. It means that we have to lean on Him for the strength of the day, for the joy, for the peace.
And since I am being honest here that is beautiful to me. It is beautiful yet ugly that I see the human race filled with so much hate for another human yet I can choose to love someone I don’t get a long with because of Him. Its beautiful yet ugly that laws are being passed to discriminate against my fellow brothers and sisters out of fear which saddens my soul but that Jesus is pursuing not only the law makers but the people persecuted by those laws. It’s beautiful yet ugly that even though this world is sometimes really shitty and that wars and violence surrounds us that Jesus cares more about it than I do. It is beautiful to be open and honest. It is beautiful to ask for forgiveness for people even if you don’t feel you need to apologize. It’s beautiful to be open with your struggles & ask people to help you through them. It’s beautiful to be loved and to love. So let’s do that more often. Let share this beautiful mess of life together.
“Jesus doesn’t dominate the other, avoid the other, colonize the other, intimidate the other, demonize the other, or marginalize the other. He incarnates into the other, joins the other in solidarity, protects the other, listens to the other, serves the other, even lays down his life for the other.”
—Brian McLaren
