Near the middle of the week at training, we headed out to Unicoi for a camp out. On the second day we were there, we were told that we would be doing a surrender walk in the afternoon. We were asked to think about the things that God was asking us to surrender in order to participate in the World Race. We then wrote these things on a log and carried this log through the woods and up a hill until we reached the top where we could surrender our logs at the foot of a cross.
We were encouraged to take this walk seriously and really make it a literal surrender, rather than just a symbolic exercise. I spent some time thinking and praying about the things God was asking me to surrender and then I wrote them on my log. Things like control of my daily life, comfort, relationships, and school went on my log. I started out on the walk, thinking about these things. To be honest, I was having a really hard time focusing on it and I was getting frustrated with myself. I really wanted to take it seriously and actually be able to surrender this stuff at the end. After a few minutes, I came across Dan, one of the August racers who helped out at our training camp. He spoke some really encouraging words to me and I continued on my way. For this part of the walk, all the stuff that I wrote on my log started to feel so heavy. It was overwhelming to me how much I needed to surrender. So, I keep walking trying to figure out how I’m going to let it all go so that I can be ready to surrender everything at the end. At this point, I came across Laura, one of the WR staff, and she asked me if the log I was carrying really represented the weight of what I needed to surrender. Without hesitation, I said no. So, she said I should pray about it and consider finding more weight to carry. I felt pretty sure I needed to go find an entire stack of logs to represent the weight of all the crap I felt like I was carrying around. The thought of dragging a ton of wood up the side of a hill in the Georgia heat was, however, not at all appealing. So, I sat down to pray about it for a minute and the second I asked, God made His answer pretty clear. “Courtney, for once in your life, let me carry it. Quit trying to do everything by yourself”. Seriously, that’s what He said. So, I said, “Okay, God” and started walking again, with just my little log instead of the stack I’d been planning on.
So, I’m walking a bit more and I start to realize what I’d been doing before and why it had felt so overwhelming. I’d been trying to figure out how I was going to surrender my log. How I was going to get ready for the World Race. How I was going to find my own freedom. Of course it was overwhelming, because there is no way I could do that just because I decided I wanted to. And then I felt God asking me if I trusted Him. And honestly, I would at most other times have thought of course I trust You God. But right then, I knew there was no way I could answer that honestly and still say yes. If I trusted Him, I would have spent the first half of my prayer walk asking Him to work in me, instead of asking Him how I could do it all myself. I bumped into another WR staff member and they asked me if there is anything I needed to add to my log. Honestly, I had kind of forgotten about the log so I just said no and kept going.
I kept walking, thinking about the fact that even though I say I trust God, I haven’t really lived it out. So, I asked Him to help me do that and I started to feel excited about what it would look like and how it would be if I wholeheartedly trusted God, no matter how crazy it might seem. I have kept pretty tight control over my life and have always been independent…too independent. I want to do things for myself and I don’t want to have to rely on other people, or even on God. And that’s led to me not letting God have control in my life. Essentially, not trusting Him. And God just kept reminding me that it’s okay to not always be okay and I felt like He was saying that if I would just trust Him, than all this stuff that I’d been trying to figure out how to surrender earlier wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t have to be surrendered because I would already have surrendered the most important thing to Him – trust. So, then I started wishing I’d written “trust” on my log when Jimmy had asked. I know it wasn’t literally about the log but I wanted to be able to physically surrender it when I got to the top. At about this time, I got to the point where the trail ended and it became a climb up the face of a hill and the “trail” was hunting tape marked on the trees. I hadn’t taken my inhaler and it was hot that day, so I should have been pretty tired but all I could think about was how badly I wanted to live a life of trusting God so it didn’t take me long to get up the hill. I even cut my leg and didn’t notice until afterward. I was totally focused on getting to the top and experiencing the freedom of letting God have all the control. But don’t worry, this burst of excitement at abandoning my own desires and giving up my whole life to God was not because I am the Christian of the Year and has nothing to do with me being super holy and spritiual. God was just moving A LOT in my heart and showing me how worthwhile that kind of life is. So, I got just about to the top when I ran into Ashley and she asked me if I was ready to surrender my log and if I needed to add anything to it. It’s silly but I was super excited that I got to write TRUST on my log before I surrendered it. So, I walked over to the cross and tossed my log on the pile.
I felt some pretty conflicting emotions on the walk down the hill. It was a huge relief to have surrendered my log and it was really freeing to finally accept that God is totally trustworthy and has total control. I was really excited about the way that God was speaking to me. But I also felt pretty darn scared about what I had just promised God. Now, I am just trying to be obedient to the promise I’ve made – to live a life of trust. It hasn’t exactly been easy and I have experienced some moments of doubt where I wish I could take it all back, but I know it’s worth it. I know that God wants to do some cool things through me that are only going to happen if I trust Him and so I will trust Him, and please feel free to remind me that I said that because I might need it.
