*This blog post was written on January 10th*
Well, it just clicked as to why God actually brought me on this race. Yes, it is mid-month 7. Yes, it has been well over a year, now, that my dreaming of the race began. But tonight, as I read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, in my little bottom bunk, in the warmth and dark of our ministry house, with the consistent hums of our oscillating fans, in Phang Nga, Thailand, God revealed to me why He really brought me on this journey.
When looking at Eve’s life, we cannot help but wonder why God would curse her after the Fall, additionally, with loneliness, heartache and emptiness. Wouldn’t life be hard enough for her as she was now banned from the garden – the only one place she’d found comfort and familiarity in as her home?? Eve had begun to set out on her own life. Her own path. Her own agenda. “He [had] to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she [turned] to Him and Him alone for her rescue” (Captivating, pg 97-98). He had to save her.
“Therefore, I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. She will chase after lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them” (Hosea 2:6-7).
He had to save me, too.
Those of you who know me well know the circumstances of my life pre-race. I was a young professional thriving in Nashville, Tennessee – a city I’d grown to love in my three years post-college. I lived with one of my best friends, Claire, and we’d built an impeccable life in Nash. We had made the best friends… had a cute apartment… a fun social life. I had a nice car… a full closet… a stable job that brought home a big paycheck. I even had a great church and close small group. I was well on my way to continuing up the success ladder at work, our friend group kept growing and so did my love for Nashville and the life we’d created in it.
He needed to de-rail my predictable, “perfect” little life. My plans. My ability to control just about every aspect of my being. My agenda. My safe world. All the falsities that I was chasing after as “lovers.” Yes, all these things sound great. And no, there isn’t anything wrong with a successful career, a city you love or good friends that bring you joy. But the issue lies in the way I was using them – they were all keeping me from needing Him. My life was keeping me from needing Him. I never needed to fully turn to Him for rescue. I was, unknowingly, abusing the many blessings He’d entrusted me with. I needed to be woken up.
“And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman’s life hemming her in. He’ll make what was once a great job miserable, if it was in her career that she found shelter. He’ll bring hardship into her marriage, even to the breaking point, if it was in marriage she sought her salvation. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from Him, He disrupts our plans, our “way of life” that’s not life at all“ (Captivating pg. 98).
Yikes.
Now this is not to say my pre-race job had become miserable or that I have a relatable story of a marriage breaking in front of my very eyes. But what it is saying is that MY way of life needed to be disrupted. I’d constructed a life of safety. And it’s not in the safety that we draw nearer to God.
I (still) have no idea what I’m doing post-race. What city I’ll end up in..what my career path will look like..what I want to do..what He wants me to do…if I’ll end up back in Nashville with life looking similar to it did when I left, just with a different perspective. I don’t know if one day He’ll call me into lifelong international missions or if the extent of my mission work will forever be to reach my neighbors and co-workers in the States. And to be honest…it is GLORIOUS having these unknowns. I am so at peace.
But I do finally know why He called me on the race during this season of my life. I knew He was calling me out of the 9-to-5, corporate lifestyle for the year. I knew He wanted me to see His world and His people from His eyes with His love. I knew He wanted me to experience various cultures and ways of work. I knew He wanted me here and I never doubted that I needed to be here. But now I think I have a deeper understanding of His behind-the-scenes orchestration: I needed to be saved.
