Well here I am. And to be honest – this is something I’ve been avoiding since leaving camp: updating on my week and coming to terms with my emotions. Not because it was a terrible week, but because it was just the opposite. And I know my words can’t do it justice. I’ve started this post probably 20 times. It was a week filled with unexplainable joy, brokenness, redemption, experiences and His presence. I’ve been back for nearly 48 hours and have done nothing of productivity but run two errands (which is a scary thought considering how much I have to do this week!). I’m still trying to “process”, and I’ve found myself avoiding family, friends, my phone and social media. TV hasn’t been on. I haven’t called back any of my friends or family. I haven’t seen any friends but one. I’ve honestly just been here. But that’s okay. I’ve learned to sit in silence and take time to think. A few highlights from the week…
I learned who I’ll be doing life with this upcoming year. There is just something about this group, who will forever be family. It’s not possible to put into words what it’s like to be surrounded 24-hours/day, with people who are so real, full of His joy and grace, regardless of circumstance, and love and accept unconditionally. No judgment. No cliques. No shame. What an amazing year it will be together. It feels as if we’ve known each other forever.
Our squad – “F” Squad aka our (F)amily, as we call ourselves:)
My team – Bold Radiance; I’ll be serving alongside these gals each day and we couldn’t be a better fit. We are striving to be bold in our faith and radiate His love through laughter, truth and community this year (Elizabeth Frantti, Bella Strafaci, Esther Gordon, me, Danielle Anchondo, Courtney Tuttle).
I learned about the things I crave and long for…how ultimately they’re just temporary fixes. Jesus is the only constant. This week was full of being challenged spiritually and emotionally, but also physically. Throughout the course of the week there were many things that I just wanted so badly. Or so I thought. A cup of coffee. Not even Starbucks..just A CUP. A diet coke. Sleep. Food that was satisfying…not just rice or something that I had no idea what it was. A shower after being caught in downpours and mud for 2 straight days or after a workout and 85 degree heat and dirt. And the list could go on. Now don’t get me wrong – all those things are lovely and enjoyed. But the truth is they satisfy us so temporarily..whether they tie us over for a few minutes or a few days…we ultimately will end up in the same place we were – craving and being consumed by desiring what we don’t (or can’t) have. He is the only thing that will fill us up, yet keep us wanting more at the same time.
I learned of some logistics.
– I will be going to Atlanta on June 29 for more training with my squad and team. We will be leaving the country on July 3!
– Our route has changed. The countries are the same, but in a different order. Here is the revised schedule.
– I learned to do a week at camp with no schedule. Unsure of what was coming the next hour, much less the next few days, allowed us to truly embrace what we were learning and experiencing in the moment. This was something I had to learn to appreciate:)
I learned to remind myself that loving Him is doing all things with joy. Sounds simple, right? But not so much. Like mopping the dining hall kitchen floor, after I just had, because a fellow racer thought it should be done a different way. And then re-mopping it because people continued to walk through with muddy shoes. Like doing dishes with my squad for the camp of 250+ people in sinks that were clogging every 5 minutes. Like going to get chairs, which were across camp, after I’d just come from there. Like crawling into my sleeping bag to sleep with our squad “under the stars” in the middle of the woods with spiders and scorpions running around everywhere. But amidst it all…I was reminded of all Christ did for us that was a LOT worse than cleaning or dealing with bugs:)
I learned to embrace community. It’s my responsibility to be vulnerable with these people. It’s my responsibility to think about the growth and development of the team, not myself. It’s my responsibility to take daily 1-1 time with the Lord so I am emotionally healthy to love and pour into my (F)amily and others.
I learned of one of the most beautiful sights in all of creation: seeing the Lord’s people worship together so intensely, deeply, passionately, holding nothing back. Taking Jesus out of the “box” so many of us believers had been keeping Him in.
I learned that miracles do happen, and I can witness them. Which I did. They aren’t just in the Bible. I saw a teammate healed from allergies that had severely limited her diet for years. A friend spoke in tongues, after she’d come to camp thinking speaking in tongues was “creepy” and she wanted none of it. I saw a friend’s walls finally get broken down, after we’d been fervently been praying for that all week. I was the recipient of prophecy. I heard God’s voice through thoughts, pictures and visions. Now before you think I’ve gone off the deep end………..know that I did NOT believe in any of this before camp, or at least I didn’t think I did.
I learned that I cannot any longer rely on others for my identity. I’ve always been confident in who I am. But throughout the week, the Holy Spirit made me realize that I’ve let my happiness depend on how needed I feel. Whether it’s knowing i’m a good friend. Knowing i’m a good employee. Knowing i’m a good citizen or volunteer. Knowing i’m a good leader. These things were where I was holding my self-worth and getting fulfillment. I want to continue living with these values and passions but my paradigm needs to shift – it needs to be because it brings JOY to Him, not because they make me feel loved, needed or fulfilled.
That’s about it for now. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me!
Credit to our squad mate, Jake, for this awesome picture from the week!
