Right now, things are hard. I won’t go into all of why, mostly because it’s not worth making a complaint list. Because it’s been so difficult, I’ve been thinking about the last difficult season God led me through. It was right before I left on The Race. Things at home were pretty fantastic, and leaving everything behind seemed painfully impossible. As I wrestled with the costs of following God, he kept telling me it was worth it.
The awkward amount of time between Training Camp and Launch held more excitement and memories than the entire summer. But in the midst of the excitement, I started doubting that The Race was worth everything he was telling me to give up. In those five weeks, I saw two of my very best and closest friends get engaged to two incredibly amazing guys. And as we all rejoiced, the pit in my stomach was asking God, how can it be worth missing this? I layed on a beach getting my final dose of salt water before leaving America and I wondered how could anyone willingly leave such a beautiful place? I was spending a weekend away with my friends pretty convinced that He couldn’t love me as well as the friends He had given me could. During the car rides from one social event to the next, we jammed to Taylor Swift’s new single. I tried not to be bummed that by the time I knew all of the words to the song, I would be an ocean away from my car full of girls. As the days ticked by, I got on the plane with a new voice that told me that it wasn’t going to be worth it.
Right now it’s month five of The Race. Exciting has become normal and adventure seeking seems exhausting. It’s the infamous Mid Race Slump, but I can’t help but wonder if this feeling will ever go away. And that voice has started creeping in again. “How could this possibly be worth what you’ve given up?”
I know it sounds crazy. You’re reading this blog as you take a break from studying or you’re waiting for class to start. You’re heading to work and heading to a different country would be a dream come true. But while you wish you were me, it may surprise you to know that sometimes I wish I was you.
You see, I think the mistake I made was thinking that God told me that The Race would be worth everything I gave up. And maybe that’s true; I’ll let you know in six months. I judge my experiences abroad with the familiar ones at home and try to see which comes out on top. I compare everything I’m gaining and try to see if the scale tips to “worth it.” But I’m starting to see that this might not actually be what God was talking about. I think he was actually telling me that He is worth it. He is worth giving up everything for. Part of that is the whole counting up the costs and taking up your cross and just part of being one of his followers. But part of it is that God is pretty freaking awesome, and everything and everyone else pails in comparison. So why would I want any of those things anyways?
Before Launch, I asked God a question. I was laying on that very same beach with those same friends Labor Day Weekend. “How are you going to love me?” It’s a silly question and someone might even argue it doesn’t matter how God loves me, but it’s more of the fact that he does actually love me that’s important. But I wanted to know. God has been so incredibly good to me, and the pain of letting go of so many things was proof of that. So my question was how on Earth was He going to top that?
As soon as I asked, a puppy came leaping over the sand dunes and ran straight to me. Now if you know me at all, you know what an amazing experience this was for me. Because I love dogs, but a puppy? What a great surprise! Then God told me, “This is how I’m going to love you.”
Coming home from that beach weekend, we jammed out to Taylor Swift avoiding conversation that this would be out last moment like this for a year. It had been a great weekend, the only thing we missed was our favorite and rare treat, superman ice cream. We counted our losses and stopped for gas. The gas station just so happened to be an ice cream shop too, and of course, they had superman ice cream. In less than 24 hours, God showed me he loved me in three different tangible ways.
In the midst of the monotony of the race, we took motorcycle taxis to our favorite restaurant in Rwanda yesterday. Taylor Swift blasted in my ears as we drove through the city and I had the very best view of The Land of 1,000 Hills. God reminded me of what he spoke to me months ago, it’s worth it. He can still give me the things I adore, puppies, superman ice cream and Taylor Swift. In fact, I’ve danced to Taylor Swift in every country, and I’ve lost count of how many puppies I’ve played with. It’s not that I need those things at all, he’s just a really good Dad. He loves me better in a moment than anyone else could in a lifetime. He knows me better than anyone else which means he gives the very best gifts.
This season is hard. If you’ve read the past several blogs of mine, you’ve gotten more than just a glimpse of this. It’s made me look more at the things I’m missing out on like Christmas and approaching weddings. I’ve been thinking about home a lot. And the more you mediate on something, the more you magnify it. And that’s when it’s hard to believe that this is in fact all worth it.
But all it takes is a simple reminder, a glimpse of my Savior, my Comforter and ever present best Friend. He reminds me that even during those perfect moments at home, I still wanted to go away with him. And wherever we go, He loves me the way only he can. Though it’s hard, and I don’t always see my purpose, I know that He is worth giving up everything for. Because He’s really the only one that could satisfy my heart and all of its desires.
