I’m really bad at having expectations. I either have really high expectations that are impossible to meet which leads to disappointment, or I don’t have any expectations because I don’t want to be disappointed. Like everything, there seems to be a balance to it, and I’m no gymnast.
I struggled a lot with this over my summer in India. I kept thinking I would see insane things, and when I didn’t, I felt the need to work harder, which I should know by now, never works. So I swore off expecting anything as soon as I came back. But that didn’t last long.
“Expectations are our subtle attempts to control God and manipulate mystery.” Fil Anderson
I think the problem I have with expectations is that it’s ownership. Expecting things from God is almost like giving ourselves a right to have those met. It’s fighting for control. Because when those expectations aren’t met, it is disappointing. We feel hurt because God held something back from us. And maybe other people don’t struggle with this, but it puts me into either a works attitude or I start believing in a circumstantial God. I know. Not great.
But expectations aren’t bad; they’re just tricky.
This month has been a weird month of trying to count the costs. I go to bed at night and try to imagine what it will be like not to have one for 11 months. I take a warm shower and try to picture shaving my legs when I have to use a bucket shower. I spend an afternoon processing with my friends and try not to think about what it will be like when an ocean separates us. Maybe because The World Race is so new to me, this is normal. I hope so, because I really can’t live like this for eight more months.
But with all of the costs, I haven’t thought about the rewards. That’s why I freaked out when someone asked me what I wanted from The World Race. What if I expect things that are too big? What if I don’t get them? I’ve thought so much about the death, but not the resurrection. Because I’m scared it won’t be as glorious.
I friend of mine was talking about the calling God gave her for next year. “I don’t think I understand what God has actually called me to do.” Those words hit me. Hard. Like me, she knows what’s next, but she doesn’t understand the cost. And it’s true. I don’t know what God has in planned for me with The World Race. Even if I do spend the next eight months trying to figure it out, I don’t know the cost.
But I know it’s worth it.
So for now. I let go of my expectations to hold on tightly to my Savior. Maybe there will be a time for me to expect. But for right now, I rest with God in the mystery. Maybe there will be a time to believe in big things. But for right now, it’s a time to believe in a Big God who does big things.
