My Inner Thoughts
(WARNING: These are some of my inner thoughts, questions and revelations from God. Yes, this is me being completely vulnerable with you [and with myself] because I believe God is as work. Please handle with care and read at your own risk.)
I ask this to God and myself:
Where are my insecurities coming from? What is the root? How will I ever lead if I am still learning what it even looks like to lead? When will I ever have a group of friends devoted to me and I to them? When will I ever be fully known and fully accepted? When will I ever have what “he” has, what “she” has, what “they” have? When will security overtake my insecurity? When will I know who I am and what I want to “be when I grow up?” When will I finally feel fully loved? When will I feel safe to be me with all the mess and confusion that comes with it? When will the light within me become brighter than the darkness around me? When will I learn to live in the moment, embracing it, loving it, rather than anxiously trying to get to the next moment hoping that maybe then I will be able to embrace it and have it embrace me? When will I fully grasp that every moment, every day is about the journey, not the destination? When will I give more than I try to receive and enjoy it? When will I be recognized as special and chosen above others? When will I stop running, stop searching for God in other people, in their experiences, in their insight and in the world’s nooks-and-crannies and realize God has been running next to me waiting for me to stop? When will I focus more on the beauty of each day rather than the energy I am expending to attempt to see the beauty? When will I push through the discomfort of halting my constant search for something to fill my voids and realize that they would be filled if I embraced the discomfort and allowed God to fill the voids like he desires to do.
When will my actions speak louder than my words?
When will I stop journaling selfishly about my needs, my insecurities, my projections and realize that the very thing I need is also what I am running from while attempting to find it?
When will loving God and loving my neighbor as myself mean more to me than everything else written above?
Epiphany:
Luke 10:27 states “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’.”
You see, I am realizing it’s all a matter of choice!! Happiness, security, joy, fulfillment is in God, loving all of man rather than having preference and choosing to live in the moment rather than in the past or the future.
This epiphany came together while reading Soren Kierkegaard’s book, Works of Love. In it, he stresses that Jesus tells us that as Christians it is our duty to love – we shall love.
Before I go further in trying to connect the dots that are in my heart and put them on paper, let me inform you that this book has loads of insight and wisdom in it. My thoughts below don’t even begin to grasp what he speaks about in this book. It is merely a piece that spoke to me recently. Also, let me give you a quick insight into a few key words and concepts Kierkegaard is speaking of.
He points out that there are at least two facets of love:
self-love aka preferential love (love for the
beloved or friend) and
Christian love (eternal love for our
neighbor aka all men).
In the chapter on Loving Your Neighbor he states, “Christianity, however, teaches a man immediately the shortest way to find the highest good: shut your door and pray to God-for God is still the highest. And when a man will go out into the world he can go a long way-and go in vain-he can wander the world around-and in vain-all in order to find the beloved or the friend. But Christianity never suffers a man to go in vain, not even a single step, for when you open the door which you shut in order to pray to God the first person you meet as you go out is your neighbor whom you shall love. (pg. 64)”
That’s just it. I have been wandering around the world trying to find myself, my beloved and my friend when all along I needed to stop running. I have needed to “open the door which [I will] shut in order to pray to God.” I need to root my identity authentically in the Lord by choosing to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind. Then and only then can I truly love my neighbor as myself.
You see the root of these looming insecurities that come up from time to time are becoming clear to me now. I have been living out of and looking for self-love – preferential love and calling it Christianity. But, I have been mistaken. No wonder I haven’t found it.
Kierkegaard presents the concept that, “Christianity has thrust erotic love and friendship from the throne, the love rooted in the mood and inclination, preferential love, in order to establish spiritual love in its place, love to one’s neighbour, a love which in all earnestness and truth is inwardly more tender in the union of two persons than erotic love is and more faithful in the sincerity of close relationship than the most famous friendship (58).”
Thank you Lord for this epiphany! I don’t want self-love. I want eternal love which is a love that necessitates your fulfillment and love for all men, my neighbor. Self-love “in the strictest sense has been characterized as self-deification, so love and friendship are essentially idolatry (70).” If preferential love means to make distinctions, comparisons which ultimately leads to complete disdain to what God has for me, then I don’t want any part of it.
My insecurities have caused me to look selfishly for things to make myself feel worthy. When all along the Lord has been telling me that I am worthy to him and he will fill me up. So, I chose the duty to love for I shall love no matter the cost. That means laying down my life for Christ and loving every man not just the ones that make me feel worthy of love. Not just the ones that chose me. Not just the ones that are preferential toward my life.
God already told me that his love is enough to fulfill all my needs. So, it is time to stop running and time to embrace God and embrace my neighbor. That is what life is about.
I am positive this is all easier said than done. So, please pray with me.
Lord, help me to love you with all of my heart, soul, strength and mind. Help me to turn to you for my everything, fully abandoned to your love. Teach me more of what your eternal love is. And lastly, help me love neighbor as myself. My neighbor being all persons no matter the cost. Transform my life and heart according to your eternal love and the duty you have given us to love our neighbor as ourselves.
Amen.
(This is just the beginning of me piecing together what the Lord is teaching me. Sorry if it doesn’t all make sense to you. It is hard to get my thoughts into word right now. There is more to come I am sure.)
