Late last night I found out that Dave from worship band died unexpectedly. I was shocked and not completely able to process it. This morning during worship the grief hit me. My sorrow for his family and friends began to drudge up the hurt of Leah’s death a few months ago, as well as, Jeremy’s death. I became upset that Minnewashta Church was going through another loss. As these aches started to resurface in me I realized I was about to walk back into the “prison of my past�. The horrible, sorrowful place where I had once grown so comfortable connecting every new hurt to every pain I’d ever experienced. I would relive those anguishing moments allowing the aches to be rekindled by the smallest of sparks and stir them into blazing flames.
It was on the World Race that I discovered I dwelt in this prison cell. My squad leader and friend, Kyla, pointed out to me that the door to this cell was open and ultimately I was choosing to stay there, disregarding the freedom Christ offered, because I was comfortable in my disappointment and misery. I knew what to expect. With the prayers, encouragement and fight of Kyla and my teammates I gained the courage to step out of my well-known dungeon and walk into the freedom. I asked God to slam the barred-door shut behind me… to lock the cell so I could never return and to take away its comfort.
Now, nearly a year later, I sensed myself heading toward that prison once again. I sensed the past becoming intertwined with my current situation. And I knew that this was not what God had for me and was not what I wanted for myself. I was so upset I could not sing the words during worship.
As I prayed, I closed my eyes and saw myself approaching the prison of my past. I became worried I might find my way back in, but as I grew closer I saw what used to be my cell with all 4 walls flat on the ground, wide open to the air. God was saying, “There is nothing for you here.� And I said out loud, “I’M DONE!�
The Lord let me know that it is okay for me to grieve Dave’s death; it is not okay for me to attach every loss and time of grief to this one. That sorrowful prison has been demolished and no longer exists. Extended wallowing and self-pity are not what God has for me, but a time of healthy grief and release of my sadness and empathy for Dave and his loved ones.
While God was speaking to me, I felt the gentle touch of hands softly rubbing my back and my hair. I was overcome with a sense of peace and love so comforting I questioned if it was an angel… until I felt Laura’s baby belly graze my back.
Later this evening, I went to “The Gathering�, a Monday evening time of worship and God’s word. During worship I experienced a moment of redemption. The very song that I had been unable to sing this morning was being played again and this time I sang it loud, with confidence that I was right where God wanted me. It reminded me of Peter who denied Christ 3 times and was given the chance to make it right when the risen Christ asked him if he loved Him. I had had a moment of looking to old habits instead of God for comfort and now He gave me a second chance to boldly declare that I choose Him and that I’m done looking to the past!
