Early on in Thailand, I awoke one day and felt an ache in my spirit, a longing that I couldn't explain. A desire that consumed me. To a point that later that night, I started weeping uncontrollably (granted, crying isn't such an uncommon experience on the World Race- but still). And i'm not talking a shedding of a few tears. I'm talking…shaking, puffy eyes…the whole deal. Literal heartbreak. I felt a million things running through my mind that could have possibly provoked this emotional onset…but nothing explained what I was feeling- and nothing anyone could say settled my heart.
What I was feeling…
Was the feeling of missing someone or something terribly.
If you have ever been separated from someone you desperately love…well, then you can maybe relate to the turmoil in my heart.
It is a feeling I am not unfamiliar with.
But still…why now? And over what, exactly?
After about 36 hours of the craziness that had become my emotions and my heart, I asked God what was going on.
"Why am I feeling this way?"
My family and friends can testify…I'm definitely not the homesick type. Even with it being the holidays.
I wasn't missing anyone.
I was, in fact, completely overjoyed to be where I was at and with the people around me.
I really couldn't have asked for anything more.
And I promise…I'm really not an emotional basket case.
So what gives?
Then- He spoke to me. "I am showing you this for a reason. This longing and desire you feel is one that's familiar. It is an aching for something more…for an intimacy you desperately desire but can't grasp. So often in your life this longing has been misplaced and caused the type of heartache you are feeling now. This misplaced desire has given birth to sin and emptiness (James 1:14-15)."
"…But when you desire ME to this depth, in the innermost of your soul, when you long for me with your whole heart- above ALL things- when you cry out to me with your whole being- I will fill you up. Let your heart be homesick for me and me alone. You were created to have an unfulfilled longing that will only be completely filled when you are home with me."
He reminded of a verse in Proverbs I honestly never fully understood until this moment.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."- Proverbs 13:12
"Courtney…I want to give you trees of life. I am asking you to set your heart on me. To place all your longing, all your hopes, all your desire- in me. Place it anywhere else, and your heart will grow sick with misplaced longing."
Furthermore, He told me that His purpose was not to destroy my dreams or desires…but to redeem them when they are found in Him.
What could I do but say yes to this journey…a journey of desire.
Much of what God has taught me the past 3 months of the Race have been similar to Abraham's own journey of desire… a journey where God asks Abraham to sacrafice his only son.
Yup, that's right. His one and only son, Isaac. His miracle child, conceived in old age. His pride and joy.
And let's not forget the fact that Isaac was the promise child- God's promise to Abraham. Isaac was a GOOD thing from The Lord.
But somehow… Abraham had found himself in a position where he had tied up his desire and hope in his son.
So then came the testing of Abraham's heart…the testing of his desire.
The past 3 months- some things by my own choice, many unexpectedly- God has asked me to lay so much of what I know and love and cling to on that same altar. To take me to a place of rawness and realness where we would both learn if I really and truly desired Him more than anything. If I was willing to lay down even the GOOD things He had gifted me with- relationships, ways I use my freedom, unique parts of my identity– on the altar, and trust that He would redeem and return the things He saw fit.
And not just return it…but return it better than before, because I would loosen my death grip and realize the only thing I can hold on to, the only thing I can set my hope in…is Him.
It's been a journey to discover if I really and truly desire Him above all else.
So I have released my hold on the things He has asked of me and asked for an increased longing for Him instead. I have prayed with a desire in my heart for Him like never before.
Hungering, aching…waiting on Him.
And the depth of my desire continues to grow. It revealed itself in a moment last week where I was talking to one of my squad leaders about probably the toughest thing that the Father has asked me to lay down on the altar thus far- and suddenly, I was standing with my hands outstretched and palms upward- declaring I was ready to hold everything in this life loosely… because He is the only thing worth holding on to. And in that moment, I realized nothing could be more true.
The next day, I was baptized. Something I have been waiting to do…for well, over 2 years now. But whatever hesitation that held me back finally melted away. I want Him, I want everything- nothing else can satisfy this longing inside of me. I have been saved, I have been baptized with the Spirit… but my baptism in the water was a public declaration to my squad and to the world that I am ready to let the old ways be buried with Him, and to live fully in the identity that He has created me for. I am ready to lay it ALL down. He is all I'm living for. No other desire I have in this world compares.
I long and desire for something nothing else in this world can satisfy, and I am letting it fuel my passions, my dreams, my hopes, and my journey.
Jesus.
If we find ourselves in this world with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. -C.S Lewis
Note: I am fully funded but there are still some definite financial needs! I am in a big need of personal money to cover extra costs of food, insurance and other expenses I encounter throughout the months. If you would like to help, my parents will receive checks addressed to me- I have a paypal account ([email protected]) or contact me for another way to help!
Also, I still have some squadmates who have been granted an extension in their fundraising deadlines and desperately need help before the end of this month! Here are a few- you can visit their blogs and donate directly through their sites!
Mary Middleton- www.marymiddleton.theworldrace.org
Carter Gannon- www.cartergannonjr.theworldrace.org
James Lux- www.jameslux.theworldrace.org
K-tyna- www.krystynaszymczuk.theworldrace.org
Joshua thomas-www.joshuathomas.theworldrace.org
