This morning I woke up to a shockingly normal day on the World Race, in a bed, in an apartment in the city, ready for a day of rest from the insane schedule i've had teaching English club this week, and a Saturday scavenger hunt with my class.
But as soon as I opened my eyes, I felt a shift in my spirit. Hence this unplanned, messy blog. But…here it is.
I sat in the kitchen to drink some tea, eat some bread, and work on the book i'm reading, The Heavenly Man. Warning- never, ever read this book if you are on the verge of being totally spiritually wrecked and would rather stay comfortable.
My spirit was suddenly so strongly overwhelmed that I walked from the kitchen to the bedroom, where my teammate Christina was listening to worship music, and laid on the ground and wept.
And wept some more. For hours in fact.
I cried out to God for this place. For this city. For these people. For His people.
For the horrific things that are happening here. For the fact that over 450,000 women have disappeared from Moldova because of sex trafficking and been exported to surrounding countries. That many of these girls are deceived with the prospect of a better job, because opportunities are so limited here. That young girls all over this country are tricked into "relationships" in exchange for money, by men who travel here to find girls expressly for their purposes. Relationships where they are raped and used and abused and beaten and passed around without a second thought. Many of these girls are orphans, who are considered next to nothing here.
This is hardly a glimpse into the reality of the situation, to be honest. This isn't hard information to find out if you are searching for it. I knew all about trafficking before the World Race myself…or so I thought.
But now I know the people. I have seen their faces. I can see how these things happen…the ways of thinking that occur. I have met people who have devoted their lives to putting an end to the madness and heard their stories. I have seen the desperation here in the city, the hardship of life in the villages.
For a girl who just posted a blog about my struggle to find my place here in Eastern Europe, I am now overwhelmed with a desire to stay.
Spending time with my class from English club has been one of the highlights of my Race. Even though Eastern Europe is cold, and may not be my "thing," I have fallen in love with the people here in Moldova. I have built relationships that I want to keep fighting for. I have spent time with my students in and out of class, drinking coffee and talking about life. I have heard some of their stories and shared my own. I have had all kinds of incredible opportunities to share about the One who is making me new day in and day out.
This morning as I laid there praying, I also reflected on Psalm 139- a passage we discussed in class this week.
…For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you. (Psalm 139:13-18)
The Father had a thought, and He put me around it.
He wrapped His creative, unique thought in a physical body, and breathed life into it…into me…and into you. Not one of us is the same. There is not one flaw in the way we were made.
Not one.
He knit us each together in a specific and unique way, for specific and unique purposes.
He had me on His mind before I was even born.
I sat in this truth for a long time this morning, trying to understand it. Trying to understand how it related to my brokenness. And slowly…it wrecked me.
I realized in order to enter this battleground against things such as human trafficking…a situation which will be literally right in front of my face day in and day out once we begin our work in Thailand in a few short days…I must be convinced of who I am, and how fearfully and wonderfully I am made. Or how could I ever convince another of the same truth?
Today I was released with a newfound freedom to embrace the ways He has made me without holding back. To embrace the unique ways He has knit me together- the ways I love and fight and care and break and dream and desire to see my faith lived out.
And in my life, a part of that is a willingness to do whatever it takes to see people set free from a slavery of not just the body, but of heart and soul. Whatever it takes. Whether it means persecution or hardships, heartbreaks or defeats. Heck, even if it means moving to Moldova. I am embracing the fire inside of me. The way He has made me that I have downplayed for far too long, for fear of being misunderstood, or being too "different."
Most people don't get this. Most people think that I should stop being so idealistic. Most people think that living a life that looks like the book of Acts is for a chosen few. Most people are wondering when I'm going to realize that being a missionary is too hard. Most people are wondering when I'm going to "get serious."
No offense, but if I listened to most people, I would still be sitting at home, trying to mold myself to expectations that I could never fulfill.
I was made with a unique mold, after all. And so are you. There is no flaw in the way you were put together.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Know it full well.
Don't quench what He has put within you.
There is a dying world who needs it.
