Today, I am counting the cost.
The past couple of weeks, I have experienced a whirlwind of change and emotion as I have graduated college, made important decisions, dealt with difficult circumstances, prepared for this insane journey I am taking, and started to say my goodbyes.
Life can change in an instant. And for me…well, everything is changing. Everything.
Am I ready? That's the million dollar question, isn't it?
This journey i'm taking…it's not a casual week long mission trip. It's life. It's going to be my life. To be honest, up until now, I have not really had any second thoughts or emotions about what I will leave behind or what I will face.
But one night a couple of weeks ago, I was trying to fall asleep on my floor (my friend was asleep in my bed and I didn't have the heart to move her), and my mind began to be preoccupied the thought of the roaches I had been recently finding in my room near where I was laying. I suddenly imagined myself laying on the floor of my tent in a third world country, covered with bugs, dirt, and grime. Sweating. I started to think about how people often try to glamorize these things when it comes to missions. Trust me, im all about sleeping in my tent…but just because im a "missionary" doesn't mean the heat and the bugs and traveling illnesses and everything else are any easier. Or any more fun. Cockroaches are still cockroaches in Cambodia (okay, maybe a lot bigger). For some reason I cannot for the life of me explain, I began to laugh hysterically as I thought how insane people must think I am for CHOOSING to live out of a backpack and subject myself to these kinds of living conditions for a year.
But to be honest…my living condiitons and personal hygiene are the least of my concern.
For those of you who used to follow my other blog, you probably read about the story of Jacqueline, a little 6 year old girl from Guatemala who was in the Kids Club program I co-led this past summer in Virginia. Her favorite little disney princess dress, bows, and toothy smile completely won my heart last summer. She was my constant companion. I loved all those children dearly, but she was special to me. A few weeks before we left, we found out that her father had been murdered- simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know I cannot capture this moment for you- it is breaking my heart all over as I write it- but I will never ever forget the first time I saw her after her fathers death. She ran to me and threw herself in my arms and told me that her daddy had died. To save words here, I will tell you that her family's circumstances after her fathers death were extremely difficult- and they had not been great in the first place. Food, shelter…all her basic necessities were compromised even more. Leaving that little girl and her family at the end of the summer and not knowing her fate was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Lately, I have thought about that time of my life. And recently it hit me- I will be facing heartbreak like that every month. Likely every day. I will see poverty and abuse and hopelessness that will rip my heart to shreds. I will encounter and build relationships with people who are stuck in prostituion, orphaned, abandoned, and outcasted… and then have to leave them. I will hold little children who have never had a mommy or daddy tell them "I love you." I will hold the hands of people who are starving, sick, and dying.
The same question occurs to me. What. Am. I. Doing. Why Lord? Why?
Not to mention my own family. My own friends. I leave knowing there are certain people I may lose while I am gone. I am leaving behind friends who are sick. Friends whose lives I am terrified for. I am leaving behind family who are not young. I am leaving behind a life and a community that I love and care for deeply.
The two things I am confident of right now are this:
1. He CHOSE me to do this- despite any inadequacies or fears I might feel.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit —fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you."-John 15:16
2. The cost is worth it. It is worth every second of my discomfort and heartbreak to make Him famous…and to love like I have never loved before.
25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. 27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.28 “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? 29 For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you,30 saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’31 “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32 If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33 In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.
-Luke 14: 25-33
I also want you all to know how deeply humbled and greatful I am for each of you who are supporting me, whether monthly or with a one time gift. I am in such awe of the amazing commmunity He has placed around me. Financially, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel…and I believe it is completely possible for me to be FULLY FUNDED before I leave the country July 1st! Would you consider partnering with me on this journey? Click the "support" link on the left to give online or to learn more about mailing a check! I am so close- every 10 or 20 really does make a difference!
If I find 100 people to give only $25… I will be all the way there!!
Some other ways to be awesome:
1. PRAY. seriously. This is the most important thing. If you have not received a prayer card from me in the mail, just ask and I will send you as many as you want! Give them to your churches, small groups, friends..whoever!
But some things to be praying for specifically: financial provision & TRAINING CAMP this next week in White, GA!!! pray for some team unity! SO excited to meet my squad!
2. Subscribe to my blog (click subscribe link on the left). Please 🙂
3. I still have Threads of Hope! and this painting for $125! Kudos to artist Cheryl!
