They tell you it's going to be hard but I wasn't prepared for this, and I haven’t even left.
I’m someone who tends to over think every little thing. And quite honestly, this trip scares me to death.
Not just your “Oh, I have a few concerns.” But I’m full out, legitimately terrified.
A couple nights ago I was thinking of all the things that could take place while I’m away; things that will be going on back here in the states.
It’s hard to put myself in a place of complete surrender; I admit it. I have always been one who likes to know what’s going on and how it’s going down. Don’t get me wrong, I love being adventurous and doing spontaneous things. But when I think about the decisions that will greatly affect my life, well that’s when I tend to freak out and think about all the what ifs.
So basically….
This trip scares me.
I’m scared I won’t be able to handle it.
I’m scared I’ll want to leave right when I get out there.
I’m scared I won’t be able to raise the required amount. I mean who would want to give me support? I’m not qualified for this…I haven’t even left the country before.
I’m scared because I don’t feel worthy enough to even receive support.
I’m scared because it’s coming up so fast; it’s not some distant journey I’m preparing to take. This thing is three months away.
I’m scared because I still struggle with the fact that God can really use me, or even want to use me, to bring change to the world.
I’m scared because I still have a lot of junk of my own, so how can I help others? How can I tell a young girl who is struggling with temptation to trust in God and that He will give her strength to overcome it, when sometimes I struggle to even believe that myself.
I’m scared I won’t get along with my team. I know God has already specifically chosen each person that will be on my team for a reason. But my flesh is telling me that I’m going to have a hard time living with them and I’ll just be rejected.
I’m scared because I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I’m scared because this is going to be, so far, the most difficult chapter in my life.
I seriously bawled over my journal a couple nights ago as I wrote some of this stuff out. However, as I was scribbling away these words through tear-filled eyes, praying to God to show me what I’m supposed to do, I realized that I was being selfish.
This trip isn’t about me or for me.
This trip is so I can serve and break away from the “American Christian act” I’ve been stuck in.
I don’t need to be the person who just graduated from college with a major in Christian Ministries. I don’t need to be the girl who has it all together because frankly, there’s no one out there like that.
I don’t need to worry about where the money will come, because if Christ is really calling me to this trip, He will provide.
And as far as my team goes? I know they’re going to be awesome…because I’ve stalked most of my squad on facebook. Kidding…mostly haha.
I think not knowing what’s going to happen is going to be one of the biggest blessings. I’ve already seen ways where I’ve had to completely rely on God to provide. And though it’s going to be hard, it’s going to change me.
I want to be changed.
I don’t want to continue just living for myself; giving Christ 20% of my attention throughout the day and devouring the other 80% and spreading it over pointless things.
This is why I’m going. I know God will provide. Though I act like a scared 3-year-old sometimes, He’s got a way and I just have to trust in His timing.
So though preparing for this trip is nothing like what I thought it would be, I'm learning to place my trust in Christ.
"The LORD makes firm the steps of those who delight in him; though they stumble, they will not fall, for the LORD upholds them with his hand."
Psalm 37:23-24
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