What did my righteousness cost you?
EVERYTHING.
The spotless Lamb gets the slaughter-
And for what?
So a harlot could be free?
And she still acts like a slave-
doesn’t get that she’s a slave to righteousness!
So you took the punishment for her.
The harlot got away free-
and then you pursue her?
It’s her fault you died and were relentlessly beaten!
And now she’s caught up,
asking how you could possibly love her
instead of embracing everything you did for her!
She runs and runs-
But your pursuit heightens.
Who are you?
__________________________________________
My whole race has been a fight.
Seems like that’s all I’ve done.
Kill your flesh here, rip your flesh there.
It’s exhausting.
And I told God I can’t do it anymore.
I started reading Redeeming Love at the beginning of this month.
About halfway through, I journaled what I wrote
at the beginning of this blog.
I hated the book.
But only because it made me come face to face
with some of my greatest insecurities.
The first time I’d ever really heard about Jesus the bridegroom was at Training Camp.
I don’t really remember anything the guy said,
I just know that whatever it was,
I’d never known Jesus like that before.
I actually always thought people were crazy
when they would say things like “I’m married to Jesus.”
My story isn’t one that I would have asked for.
Sin’s grip is disgusting,
And it crept its way into everything,
Leaving me feeling unworthy and ashamed.
I broke down last night in front of the girls.
I’m tired, frustrated, and feel like I’ve been stretched out to max capacity.
I don’t have fight within me anymore.
Not right now.
And the truth is?
I don’t want to have it.
So isn’t it just like the Lord, then, to pursue me?
I know it might sound crazy to some of you,
But I wanna run from it.
Do I wanna be romanced and swept off my feet?
Yes.
What girl doesn’t?
But I don’t know how to let it happen.
I don’t know how to let go and just allow Jesus to pursue me.
More than that, I’m terrified of it.
I don’t understand why he desires me.
I don’t feel worthy.
All I can see are all the times I’ve run away.
And a lot of times, I don’t believe in myself for the next time to be any different.
Guess it’s time I learned how to let my husband fight for me.
