"Heal the sick,
raise the dead,
cleanse those who have leprosy,
drive out demons.
Freely you have received,
freely give."
–Matthew 10:8
These were instructions given to the disciples
when Jesus sent them out for the first time without him.
He told them to proclaim that the Kingdom of heaven is here,
and then do the things listed above.
He didn't say "if you feel like it, heal some people."
He gave the command.
He said "you've received it, now give it."
It's that simple.
We're supposed to heal the sick.
Raise the dead.
Cleanse the lepers.
Drive out demons.
So why isn't it happening?
I have such a holy frustration brewing inside of me.
Every single time Jesus prayed healing for someone,
they were healed.
We were made in the image of Christ.
We are named as co-heirs with him.
We have the Spirit of the Living God inside of us.
We are carriers of his glory!
I've prayed over countless people on the Race,
and never once have I seen someone healed.
I'm not saying this because I'm mad at God.
I say it because I realized how unsure I am of what I believe.
Do I believe God wants to heal all the time?
Don't get me wrong, I believe he heals.
Growing up, I don't really remember hearing many sermons at all
about healing or anything like that.
I do know that I picked up the idea that sometimes,
it's just not God's will to do so.
I just listened to a message by Jenifer Toledo,
and I am freaking out because I have no idea what to do.
She talked about our humanness distorting our perception of our Father.
And how sickness is a violation of justice.
And that he wants to restore EVERYTHING that is broken.
I got to thinking of heaven.
There is no sickness in heaven.
Jesus prayed for heaven to come to earth,
which should become my prayer.
And if I'm praying for heaven to come to earth,
then I'm praying for the realities of heaven
to be manifest right here, right now on earth.
When I was listening to the podcast,
God was doing something in my heart.
I literally felt my heart beating like three times faster than normal,
and it felt like my heart was going to leave my body.
I didn't sit down and ask God what it meant,
because I feel like it's pretty self-explanatory.
I think it was God's heart for the nations pumping in me.
I think he was showing me how serious he is about justice.
And how his heart beat quickens at the sight of injustice.
There is such a battle in my spirit.
My old thoughts creep in, and I get to thinking
that maybe God just isn't in the mood to heal sometimes.
But why would he tell the disciples to do so
if he wasn't already in the mood?
I think there's a huge part of God's heart that we miss
somewhere along the way.
In the podcast, she talked about how we have to first know him
as our own personal God of justice.
If we don't experience him and believe him as a God of justice,
how can we pour out his love and justice to the nations?
I'm so tired of simply hearing stories about the miracles of God.
I want to be a part of them!
Please understand me.
I'm not trying to place the manifestations of God
above God himself.
His presence should always be the focus,
never the gifts that he gives.
But when I look at references like the one from Matthew,
I don't think it leaves room for the interpretation
that we should sit around and if the Lord imparts
the gift of healing to us, THEN we should go out and heal people.
We're supposed to go do it,
whether he imparted it or not.
This is where I struggle.
I have so many doubts, not in God, but myself.
When I don't see healing, I think I did something wrong.
But then I know that God can still move despite myself.
I've been so bogged down by this idea that God
doesn't always want to heal.
Even now, based on what I've SEEN,
I start to believe that.
But when I base it off what the Scriptures say about God,
I'm inclined to believe otherwise.
Sometimes I wish I could completely start over.
I'm talking a clean slate as far as everythig I've ever been taught
and just start from square one, asking God what he's really like.
But that would be too easy.
I've been in the process of unlearning to relearn for a while now.
In fact, I imagine that will happen for the rest of my little life.
I wish I could act like a little kid 24/7.
To hear "Jesus is healer" and just run to the streets telling people
and praying over them.
I seriously struggle the most with this.
I say this not in a prideful way
but in a lot of senses,
I feel like I still act like a kid,
so it's easier to have the thoughts of a kid,
like "Hey everybody, wana be healed
by a guy named Jesus who saved my life?"
But it's entirely another thing to act on those thoughts.
It seriously feels like pride in a way to just be like
"Hey, do you wanna be healed?"
But it wouldn't be based off of my ability.
It would be based off of the knowledge that healing
is a part of what my God does, because he's in the process of
reconciling all of his creation back to himself and restoring
every single thing that threatens justice.
And he wants to use us to be administers of his justice!
I ask God all the time for situations where
I would look like a complete idiot if he didn't show up.
I crave stuff like that.
But when I get these thoughts about healing in my head
and have the opportunity to step out in faith, knowing who my God is
and that he is Healer, I freak out!
I get scared.
What If I look stupid?
What if they're not healed?
And that final thought cripples me,
and I don't do it.
I'm not saying I don't pray healing over people.
I just don't walk in the belief that he wants to heal 100% of the time,
even though that knowledge is buried in there somewhere.
I'm tired of this battle.
It's getting annoying.
Over and over I hear,
"you're thinking too small."
About a month ago, I heard a message where the guy said,
"There's no top unless we put it there."
God wants to blow our freakin minds
by removing the ceiling that we've placed on his ability.
I've made up my mind.
If anyone has thoughts on this,
I'd love to hear them.
Peace and blessings,
-Courtney
*PS: I still have $2800 to raise by the end of December- 14 days. Please, if you see this, share with your friends! Thank you all for your love and support!
