"This crown is too heavy
I throw it down
And I whore myself out
And I make my own crown
And I drown in the water
Of my own tears
And I am overcome
With all of my fears
And I’m lost in the thought
That I am not
Worthy of His grace"
I wrote this song this month
on a day that I was super pissed at myself.
I throw pity parties like a champ.
I majorly suck at accepting his grace over my life.
I fall, and then fall again,
And then fall some more.
Why the crap does he keep pursuing me?
But I realized something that rocked me
the day I wrote those words:
I have been making a mockery of his grace.
"How dare you think
That my son’s blood
Could cover everyone else
But that you’re not enough?
Don’t you know it doesn’t matter
If you’re not ok
You’re covered in the blood
That forever shall remain
Doesn’t matter if you stumble
Doesn’t matter if you fall
Doesn’t matter if you ever
Say the right words at all"
God downloaded the second part of the song to me.
It was like he was prophesying to me
through my own song.
Weird.
And this is only the beginning.
Learning to accept his grace over my sin is one thing.
Understanding that I legit couldn’t serve him without it is entirely another.
Lemme explain.
“For it is by grace you have been saved.”
I love when God uses
what seem like the most basic things about the faith
to bring me to my knees.
Tonight, I had one of those moments.
The gospel.
It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
If grace doesn’t scream at you through the gospel,
then you might need to read it again.
First of all, God didn’t need us.
Let’s just remember that.
But he chose us anyway.
He is all-knowing.
He knew we’d deny him,
but he created us anyway.
Grace.
We have hard hearts,
therefore we CANNOT accept him
unless he first changes out hearts.
Grace.
We sinned.
And then sinned some more.
Blood sacrifices were necessary to make atonement.
He provided the ultimate blood sacrifice
by shedding the blood of his only son,
who was without sin,
for sinful human beings.
Grace.
We continue to rebel against him,
feeding our flesh over our spirit,
making a mockery of all that he has done for us.
Grace.
I really don’t know what else to say.
A reminder never to take it for granted.
