My mind is going at the speed of light.
I'm listening to Fill Me Up.
That's my prayer Lord.
Fill me up until there's no me left.
Kill everything in me that is not of you.
Kill my flesh-I'm done!
I am so selfish.
I say that not to speak death over myself,
but to call into light the things the Lord has revealed to me.
I refuse to put myself before others anymore.
For so long, I've been convinced that I was selfless.
But the more I think back, I realize I was only selfless
because I felt like it was my only option.
Like it was the only way to gain certain people's approval.
So I was doing it not out of pure love for them,
but because I felt like it was the only way
I could get them to like me.
Now that I am here in a place where
I am accepted completely for who I am,
I am comfortable-far TOO comfortable,
to the point that I consider myself before my teammates.
That legit disgusts me God.
Kill my selfish desires.
I want nothing to do with them.
Fill me up God.
Fill me up God.
Fill me up God.
Fill me up!
I don't care how hard it is.
I want you and nothing else.
I keep complaining about all the hard lessons you teach me.
When I do that, I'm really complaining that you answered my prayers
(because in those lessons comes exactly what I asl of you-
to wholly depend on you, be in places where nothing else will work
except you, etc.).
How dare I do that?
I remember what they said at launch:
Complaining is the devil what praise and worship is to God.
I'n done complaining!
Complaining gets me nowhere.
Day by day you shape me.
You are the Potter,
I am the clay.
Forgive me for questioning the work of your hands Father!
Strip me of everything, Lord, if that's what it takes.
I refuse to stay here any longer.
It's miserable.
I have seen the glory of the Lord,
and there's no turning back.
The only thing that sustains me now
is more you of you.
And more of you means less of me.
And more of you means straight up confrontation with my flesh.
BRING IT ON.
My flesh may fail, but my god you NEVER will.
I'm done.
