This post is going to sound a bit like dejavu, as I rehash a lot of what was bothering me in Thailand. A lot of what bothers me about the World Race, particularly my experience of it.
But this time, it bothers me less for the existential reason of feeling useless, and more because of guilt. I feel like I deceived all the people who so generously supported me to go on a mission trip, people who I told were donating to help me reach out to orphans and widows and migrants and anyone else who is marginalized by their society.
Because I quickly realized I’m not on a mission trip.
Some months I have been. Some people on my squad have been for most of the past 10 months. Sometimes we work with ministries that help feed poor widows, or teach people new skills, or encourage kids. I’ve done a little manual labor, a little painting. My squadmates have gotten to help educate street children, nurture children in orphanages, and provide preventative medical care.
But overall, I’ve gotten only scattered opportunities of the mission work I referenced in my supporter letter.
So this is, first of all, an apology to anyone who supported me thinking this was a mission trip.
While you certainly didn’t pay for a year-long vacation, from my point of view, I don’t think you got your money’s worth. And that drives me crazy, since I felt uncomfortable asking for your money in the first place. I truly value every single contribution and I meant what I said in that fundraising letter about wanting to help those who aren’t as blessed in the physical sense.
But I am only just starting to mean the two Bible verses I included in my letter.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans for good and not for evil.”
“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations.”
My time in Asia taught me to fully trust and fully surrender my own plans and desires to God. I remind myself, every time my doubts want to beat me up, that God knows what He’s doing with this time. That something better is going to come out of my inability to get placed with the ministries I was called to while I’m on the Race.
And even more recently, He’s reminded me that I included the Great Commission in my letter. At the time, discipleship was the last thing on my mind. I included it more for the “go to the nations” part of the verse. But whenever I bring this up, He gives me a crooked smile and says, “You told people you were going to help make disciples too. So that’s what I’ve had you do.”
Isn’t it annoying when God’s always right?
It’s been easier, then, to spend a lot of my ministry time visiting church members. To preach and teach. To nod and smile. To take photos with the 384729 people asking. (It hasn’t, however, gotten less exhausting for this sleepy introvert.) It’s been easier to reconcile the funds I raised with the vast amount of personal growth I’ve made, instead of wishing that I’d gotten something accomplished for other people too.
At the same time, I know that I haven’t deserved any of this – the financial and spiritual support, the travel, the moments of joy when we worked with women and children. I didn’t deserve it and God gave it to me anyways. Just as I didn’t deserve Christ dying for me and He did it anyways.
It’s a constant back and forth, but over the last few weeks I’ve started to feel a little more peace about the whole concept. Last night, I was trying to get back into the habit of meditating (the spiritual practice I’m supposed to be doing every day this month…) with a little help from a YouTube guided meditation. At the end, there was a long segment for silent listening. God and I had had a nice conversation before it, so I waited expectantly for what He would say next.
And I very clearly heard, “Has it been worth your time?”
There is no possible way for me to answer “no” to that question.
It hasn’t always been worth my talents or my interests, but it has always, always been worth my time.
And that, I can’t apologize for.
