Well here we go. The first entry for this trip. It’s a little surreal thinking that July is almost around the corner. Am I ready? Absolutely not. There is so much to do before that time: money to manage, equipment to purchase, and a heart to consecrate to the Lord.
Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been seeking the Lord and seeking His direction for this life. It’s funny how most of the times we act like children and ask the Lord what the heck He’s doing when things don’t go according to plan. I somehow heard a very insightful saying yesterday: “Anger is the by-product of unrealistic expectations.” This, I feel unfortunately, says a lot about my relationship with God at the moment. He has brought me a long ways, but I always find myself always second guessing, trying to analyze Him:
“Lord what is Your will?”“What exactly do you want from me?”“Why did it happen this way Lord?”
I am an analytical person. I prefer working through everyday life via calculated logic, purpose, and precision. One would think that’s not so bad in this world today, which is “full” of endless possibilities. I have a secure full time job where I am able to exercise and use these faculties. What more could I want? Let me tell you.
I want meaning. I want purpose. I want to know there is more to this life I see. I want to know that I am not a waste of time. I looked to friends to fill the void but that didn’t work. I just found myself trying to make myself likable to people who didn’t matter or even care for me. Being “cool” wasn’t enough. I came to know that Jesus Christ was the only One who ever loved me for who I am because He made me and knew who I really was. Isn’t that all we’re ever looking to discover, who we really are?
So this trip. It is beyond me. It is beyond my reason. Currently, I feel a bit overwhelmed because there are so many variables that need to be accounted for before I step foot on 11 foreign soils. Getting money and supplies are the least of my concerns because God takes care of sparrows. So what is my biggest hesitation today?
My heart. I am simply a human being, spirit clothed in flesh, trying to find my way home to God. Yes, I am a new creation in Christ, but I still have to fight on a war that still wages for my soul. I was born in sin. I was born to hate God. I was born to think of myself first.
“LORD how will you turn this heart of stone back into flesh?” My mouth says I love God but do I really? I say I want to know God’s will, but why is it so difficult to daily get into His word and just listen? I claim to believe in a risen Christ, meaning I’ve committed my life to Him. Perhaps this is what this trip is about. Yes, I want to meet fellow believers and help build up the body of Christ. We all, however, are grounded on one Lord and being prepared as one Bride for One Groom: Christ. What bride would not take hours beyond hours to get ready on her wedding day? Wouldn’t she shower? Practice doing her hair and makeup? Wouldn’t she want to look her absolute best?
“Why don’t I spend that same amount of time and effort to prepare myself for the King of Kings?”
There is still much to do before I leave in July, but it requires time with the Lord. He will make me ready. I will finish up with another quote I came across today while watch the final Billy Graham broadcast on FOX news: “Jesus hung naked on a cross and was shamed so we wouldn’t have to be shamed for the wrong we’ve done.”
There should never be shame in the truest of relationships. Why should it be any different with the One True God?
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“God Painted the Sky”
