I see a beautiful 10 year old Thai girl. I turn my head to look at her. She is staring up at me with the most beautiful big brown eyes I’ve ever seen. Her eyes have awe glistening from them. Her smile is more beautiful than any person who tries to present them self in a picture featuring their prettiest side. I speak to her in English. She barely understands what I say, but the look doesn’t change. She stares in a way that if she blinks it would be the worst thing in the world because she would miss something, anything. So she refuses to turn her head and just keeps on being mystified. I think to myself “Why am I so intrigued with the girl? What is different about her?” I can only understand about 30 words she has in her vocabulary. I’ve taught 900 kids this month but there is something extra special about her. See, something you should know about her is that she has a physical disability.
“A disability is lack of adequate power, strength or physical or mental ability” (dictionary).
As I read the definition, I think to myself, don’t we all have a disability of some sort? No, not all of them are physical disabilities that doctors study about in medical school or a mental disability found in the DSM XII. However, we all have inadequacies that lack our human strength and power even if it’s simply for short term. We have ways we lack the fullness of who we are just merely alone by being short of perfection.
This month I’ve seen what my disability is: a lack of ever growing fullness of awe
Think of it this way: If I was dating a guy and loved his character, but loved experiencing what he’s done in my life (whether it’s present or past) more than who he is as a person, that is reinforced love. This is loving someone for only “good behavior” instead of who they are which can easily turn into manipulation. Whether or not you have a relationship with Christ I think almost anyone can agree that this is manipulative love, craving to want and seek more of their behavior than who they genuinely are. At best it’s wanting to experience his behavior that “proves” who my man is because of everything he’s done for me. This is then seeking to want something he has more than every beautiful gift and personality characteristic he has to offer.
This is the easy trap I fell into with God. This is how I thought the first week in Thailand. Distractions hit from every angle. I would wake up in the morning feeling trapped in the middle of a tiny village in Thailand not understanding how to effectively share God’s love with no guidance from a ministry to follow in their steps. We were free lancers with no ministry host. (This turned out to be beautiful way to ask the Lord how He wanted to use me; He brought me into leading worship at the school to prayer walks, but at the time pity was a close friend). I would go to bed with distractions from back home where lies were being spoken over me. I kept turning to the Lord with decisions on what I should do instead of being in awe of who He is even in these times. There was no times of rejoicing the first week because I thought to myself “how could I?” with trials hitting left and right. My prayers to God were enough for guidance on decisions, right? I mean at least I was turning to Him when the trials hit. Once He started answering prayers I would think to myself “Man, God has done some incredible things so that makes Him have these beautiful characteristics.” This causes the box of who God is to be drawn, the edges set and everything outside the box is missed especially the awe element.
Awe is different than rejoicing. I’m tired of rejoicing of simply how God is working in my life. I’m tired of even simply rejoicing in the present when I see Him moving in the hearts of children and people within countries all over the world. Yes “God is so good!” during those times, but there is SO much more. How often do I say “God is so good!” in times of trial? Instead in those times I tell myself “God has purpose for this and will help me get through this” but rejoice, no way, Jose!
And that is exactly what rejoicing is, simply a time to rejoice, but rejoicing has circumstantial limits. Awe is the choice of excitedly awaiting with nothing holding you back. It is simply being amazed with God, to God, and unified with God. Being in awe is not waiting to see what next move He is going to make because it’s not about the move He makes; it’s about Him and Him alone. He does all of this not so He can boast on His work, but so that we can have awe in our eyes looking up at our Father the same way this Thai girl had awe in her eyes.
There is something breathtaking with the unknown. He sings to us a song of mystery just awaiting for us to be mystified. He wants us to have a sparkle, a smile of not waiting for His presence to be made known, but us knowing His presence is there in everything and still in awe. I’ve come to realize silence isn’t punishment from God, it’s a way of Him wanting to just BE with us. This is where we get the chance to press into Him instead of what He’s simply doing.
So here I write and tell you this not with chains of shame shackled to my feet, but in freedom of my scars. There are two options when you have a disability. One is to cover up the fact you have one by piling on layers and going into hiding. The second option is to come out of hiding knowing that we are safe in Him. See, when we come out of hiding, we move our hands from hiding our face to lifted HIGH in surrender showing God our scars. With that comes peace with the whole world seeing our scars. Scars are beautiful because it shows the healing that is taken place. Scars are a testimony that might never go away. It’s a testimony to the world of the healing that has been done. It is a shout, a joyous cry, a proclamation of how a woman in awe of how she was created disabilities and all.
I know the healing of my inadequate awe still has a ways to go, but I lift my hands high in surrender. This is because I know “I am better off healed than I ever was unbroken”.
Here’s to letting my face be transformed by the invisible gaze who transcends all limits. Awe, I’m ready to see you in a fullness like never before. The awe awaits and I’m ready to turn towards the beautiful awe that is ALREADY encompassing me. That is simply it, this blog is done not because there is nothing left to say, but because nothing can describe the awe of the Father until you experience yourself.
