This past month doors have been shut to the familiarity that was surrounding my life. After seventeen consecutive years of school I finished my last bachelor’s class, had my last socials with friend groups, and studied the bible for the last time with girls who I’ve grown with during my college experience. The “lasts” peaked when I walked across a stage just as a sole representation to physically show that the finale of my Purdue experience would never be the same again. However, what really resonated this past month wasn’t the “lasts” as much as the “firsts” of what is yet to come starting August 2016 when I launch into the world to share God’s love. I could attempt to make this blog sound sweet and sappy but that would not portray this past month accurately in preparation for the World Race.
With my mind and heart focused more intentionally on preparing for the World Race I felt as if I’m leaping out of a plane not knowing when my parachute will release with so many different variables: the weather, surrounding landscape, and most importantly the pilot. Some days I felt ready to pivot down into the unknown below from the plane by trusting the pilot’s timing and conditions for me. However, other days I see just how little I can possibly control of where and when the pilot will launch me into the unknown below.
So here I am. A girl that has only been camping once is picking out a tent for the first time that will be my house for a year, a backpack that will be my closet, and a sleeping bag that will be my bed. Thoughts like “How will God support the World Race financially and prayerfully by using others?” flood my mind. Many times this past month I think, “What am I doing? I’m not prepared for this!” And the fact is that is 100% true.
See, the interesting part with firsts is that we don’t realize just how much we are not surrendering to the Lord until we are in the abyss of the unknown where we have a choice to make: to fill our lives with security or let ourselves be filled. It’s not until we empty the fullness in our life that we have the ability to become filled. I’ll be honest, this is probably one of the months that I’m feeling the least in control of my own life. I don’t have a backup plan and the unknown of physical and emotional challenges is terrifying, but it is also one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. This is because it means that at the end of the day I can truly say all glory and honor be to Christ our King, because of the lack of confidence I have in my own abilities with these unknown elements.
This doesn’t mean it’s easy: lately I daily have to surrender lies that I’m believing in how I do not think the Lord will provide for me on the World Race physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Our acts of surrender and control are not a one-time punch card but a process. However, I wouldn’t have it any way because I get to have the daily reminder of just how broken I am with the complement of how much the Lord uses those broken parts to mend me back together through His love for me. The Lord provides for me whether or not I’m trusting He will. He doesn’t always provide in the ways I think He will but He does in ways I need Him to. So here we are. I wish I could say “God, I will always trust you every step of the way no matter what life brings” and boy do I want that to be true, but I know that I will fall… probably even tomorrow. What I do know is not of my own accord but that God’s love and security is never failing. Instead of me putting my trust in filling myself I am simply letting God fill me the more I surrender to the creator who knows my needs more than I could ever fathom.
In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39)
