> The most recent lesson I’ve been learning on the race is that people will hurt you your whole life no matter who they are or no matter how much they care. I’ve experienced sessions of loneliness, but I don’t know if I’ve ever felt as alone as I have felt this last month and a half. This past month I found myself longing to be in a place and surrounded by people that KNOW me and a place that I KNOW. But then I was hit with the hard truth that even if I was to go back to the ones that I claim “know” me, they wouldn’t know me anymore. I’ve changed and experienced too much without them. I will feel just as alone there as I do here. Also this month I received news that my grandfather, the man that showed me what it meant to be believed in and not given up on, the man that taught me to fight for others and to keep loving even when it hurts, is dying. His life on this earth has become fragile, and frail. I miss the sound of his voice, the conversations out on the back padieo, his wisdoms and insight, his laugh, his smile. Him, I miss him. I feel like I’m being robed of precious time with him. And I’m realizing that I’m loosing the one person in my life that has seen my heart for what it is and loved me still. He is forever leaving my life on this earth. A bright light is dying in my life and my world. And I feel fear, loss and loneliness.
> I see myself in a room. A dim room only lit by one light. It hangs from the ceiling on a long string that dangles over my head as I sit in the middle of the room. The light grows dimmer and dimmer until finally it goes out and I am left in total darkness.
> This is what I see for myself in relation to my grandfather, a bright light in my life is leaving me and I feel alone and in the dark. Who will pour their wisdom and love into me? I feel this picture even more so being on the race. I am surrounded by people who don’t share the same memories with me or knowledge of who my grandfather is, so in truth they do not understand the pain and weight that this lose is. My heart feels like it’s being pulled right out of my chest, and it seems that no one sees it. These verses have been a comfort to me.
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> “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
> Romans 5:1-5
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> I will share now what my friend Molly told me after I shared the image that I see of myself with this grief. She said “Slowly I see new lights lighting and chasing the darkness away until all that is around you is light.” I believe this is true, The Lord has blessed me with many wonderful memories and moments with my grandfather, and although I am loosing something very special, I believe he will restore in me what he is taking away.
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“For THOSE tears I died”
-Jesus (also Charles William Rickson, my grandfathers favorite quiet to me, now I understand)
“Christ alone corner stone. Weak made strong in the savors love. Through the storm He is Lord, Lord of all”
