My mom used to tell me that when I was little I used to sit at the kitchen table, color in my coloring book, and make up songs about how much I love Jesus….and I would just sing to Jesus and be in my own little world. When she told me this in high school…I remember feeling so sad, wondering where this little girl’s faith went.
There have been times in my life I have questioned God’s existence. There have times I wished he was true, but felt like I couldn’t believe. I couldn’t believe because of the pain, I couldn’t believe because of the unfairness…the people in my life that truly loved Him, I believed He treated unfairly. I was stuck. Deep down, I yearned for there to be a true God. But, I fought it.
I fought it because I was scared of what it would require. What if it’s true? That would be a hard pill to swallow and a life change I was not ready for. But why was it so scary?
I grew up desiring the sincerity and love for God my Mother and Grandmother had….but I always felt like it missed me…that I would never fully understand that kind of faith. I gave up. I went my own way…hoping to find my joy in friends, partying, popularity…it wasn’t there. I tried making myself read the Bible, forcing myself to be a “good” person, and then failing over and over again. It wasn’t there. All of this actually pushed me more in the opposite direction.
Whether you turn from the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21
I was in high school, in the midst of pain from divorce and the death of my mother….giving up on the belief in God….and there He was. It was then, that I realized He was there all along.
It was the love of His children that first drew me in. My sophomore year of high school I moved to Arizona and met Kyle, one of my first friends at my new school who was different than any friends I have ever had. He and his friends loved each other, loved people, and loved God. They weren’t annoying about it, they didn’t shove it down my throat, and I was actually drawn to whatever it was that was different about them. I went to youth group with them one night, and it was there that I first saw God inside of people. As I watched over 200 high schoolers singing to God, it was then that I first truly believed He was there and that He loved the voices of His children.
It brought me to tears. And the fact that I was crying made me cry more. For so long, I was stone cold to God….but in that moment, I knew He was real; I knew that night was the beginning of something much bigger.
Some people in my life didn’t understand what had taken place in my heart, and I had a difficult time trying to explain it….but deep down I knew it was real, and I knew it was never going to leave. They thought it would wear away….fade…they told me I was too extreme. God told me to just keep walking with Him…He promised He would show me the way.
And He has…He is…and He always will.
I met a backpacker from Holland in a little coffee shop in Antigua. As she told me about her life, I started to see how much she was fighting God’s existence in her life. She told me stories of times where she wanted to believe, but just couldn’t. As she shared, I silently prayed that one day…the fight would be over. I prayed for surrender to His voice….and that she would walk in the way He desires to take her.
The love of the Father never runs out. He loves His children and simply wants us to love him back. A relationship with Jesus is not for certain people. It’s not just for people raised in church…it’s not just for people who seem like they have their lives together….it’s not just for clean cut people who never break the rules…..a relationship with Jesus is for God’s children.
