Lately God has been showing me how judgmental I have been in my life….especially my years walking with Him. Nine months ago, I never would have thought that I was a judgemental person. I always considered myself pretty accepting…but deep down there were some deep judgments that I didn’t even recognize as judgements, let alone a problem in me that needed to be dealt with.
What God has shown me through a number of circumstances the past nine months…is that it is just as important not to judge Christians as it is important not to judge those who do not believe in Christ. I have always been very aware and careful not to judge those who do not know Christ…but what I never realized is how judgemental I was towards Christians and The Church.
Looking back, I can see how my judgements have evolved. There was a time in college when I was on a “theology kick”…and I began to silently judge those Christians around me who had different theology. There have been times when I have been involved in Campus groups and churches…and I silently judged those who did not worship the way we did, share the Gospel the way we did, or even spend their free time the way we did. For years I have struggled walking through Christian bookstores without feeling nauseous by the Christian consumerism…cheezy t-shirts, and Christian parifinalia….and I silently judged those who were a part of this Christian culture. Before I was a Christian, I used to flip through the TV channels and laugh at the Christian channels…and when I started to believe in Christ and walk through life with Him…I silently judged and had anger towards those television channels…mad at the production, the dramatic testimonies, and emotional appeal they tried to lure people in with. I was afraid of Charismatic Christians, and had silent anger towards them because I believed they were being fake and over emotional. I was angry towards super conservative Christians because I believed they were too legalistic and too focused on the rules and what they should do rather than on Christ and what He has done. So basically, when I look at all this at once…I can see that I thoughtI was in the right place with God. That I wasn’t too extreme, too emotional, to focused on doing…and that my judgements were fair and discerning. I never recognize these as lies in my head…distracting me from what the Lord wants…unity, community, and love. Part of why I never recognized them was because they were silent judgments….that crept in, caused division in my heart, and fear. Fear of how big God could be, fear that I was missing out on something big, and fear that if I believed in this big of a God, it would require a change in me that I didn’t want to go through.
And here I am….going through it.
He has taken me on an eleven month journey…I knew it was going to be big, I knew it was going to be difficult and awesome, and I new He was going to rock my world…but…really… I had no idea.
He has brought me to places and shown me people who are so different….and all of them love Him so much. From super “charismatic” Christians and churches to very shy and conservative Christians….to missionaries who have been saved and changed by the Lord through Christian television stations…Christians who love the t-shirts, the posters, and the Christian music videos….and in the midst of all of this…God shows up. He uses these things to draw them in, draw them closer, and use them as His vessels all over the world.
As a funny birthday present, my team gave me a cheezy cartoon poster of Jesus and a little kid…and in bold colors wrote the verse in Spanish: “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and harm you…” (one of my favorite verses, Jeremiah 29:11). I laughed when I opened it, because not only is it one of my favorite verses, but it was on this hilarious poster. Jasmine hung it up in my room in her apartment because she thought it was cute. And one night…her and I were talking about different things and struggles in her life…and in the midst of our Spanish convo and lots of sherades-type talking, I felt like God wanted me to point at this poster and show her this verse….so I did. And she cried as she believed God wanted her to know that. God used a cheezy Christian poster to speak to a friend I care very much about. Jasmine and I prayed together and trusted this verse as true together. And as I went to sleep that night, I laughed with God and then cried. I laughed because He is so funny….He continually amazes me through things like this. And then tears began to flow because I love Him so much. This moment with Jasmine and the cheezy poster….it signifies something much greater in my life. It signifies God’s pursuit of me. His pursuit in my life to never leave me where I am at, to always push me, and to always desire a more whole daughter. He changes us because He loves us…and He doesn’t want us to live with fears, judgements, and disconnection. He will be doing this for the rest of our lives…if we are open to Him.
This World Race…this 11 month trip around the world….He has shown me is not just a year-long mission trip, a year to focus, a year to build awesome relationships. While those are all awesome…He has shown me that is also the start of something bigger. A permanent change in my heart, and the start of a constant hunger for change and closeness with Him.
He’s amazing…and I’m loving it.
