As Mother’s Day approaches every year, my heart gets a sinking feeling. The kind of feeling I get when I am afraid to think about something, afraid to face something….afraid pain is coming. It’s a familiar feeling…almost a comfortable feeling….it happens every now and then when pain creeps up. But this time…God reminded me that He offers me peace in every situation.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts…. (Colossians 3:15)
I stared at this verse this morning. I stared at it for so long that the words stopped looking like words….I began to dwell. I began to worry…I began to miss my Mom.
Last week I looked at a calendar for the first time in a long time….and I realized my birthday falls on Mother’s Day this year. Every couple years my birthday falls on this special holiday. Growing up, it was always such a fun weekend to celebrate my brother Joey’s birthday, my birthday (yes, we have the same birthday…a year apart!), and Mother’s Day. Birthday cakes, friends, pizza, gifts, parties….and of course lots of laughter.
For those of you who don’t know me, my Mom passed away when I was a freshman in high school. She died of pancreatic cancer after being ill for eleven months. Anyone who knows me well, knows that the loss of my Mother was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. She was my best friend, and when she died, I really felt like part of me died too. I never thought I would be able to be healed, I never thought I would be able to feel fully alive again. It was a pain that haunted me….that kept jabbing me on my best and worst days.
Sad days, I miss her….important, joyful days, I want her with me. In between days….I just want to be near her. I cannot put into words the hole that was left when she died.
Colleen, let My peace rule in your heart….
…I hear this over and over.
I am staring at my journal right now and I see prayers for peace. In huge letters this morning I wrote: LORD, I WANT PEACE!
I beg for peace, and God’s still small voice tells me “it’s already there.”
I return to Scripture and see that His peace is always offered…I need to let His peace rule in my heart.
Today I prayed and cried out to God, for His peace to rule in my heart….and it is. Moment by moment, if I let Him, He will fill me with peace…in all circumstances.
And in this moment, as I am filled with peace about my Mom’s life….I want to celebrate her life.
Her name was Margaret Anne Foley…but everyone called her Peggy. She was in love with the Lord. Through all circumstances, she looked to Him first. She loved people. I have never met anyone who couldn’t love my Mom….she had such a huge heart, so hospitable, and had such a heart of mercy for the people in her life. She had an amazing laugh…that could cheer anyone up. It was loud and explosive and beautiful. I loved going to funny movies with her because she would laugh so loud that we would get funny looks and make the people around us laugh. She was gorgeous….5’7, blonde hair, skinny, perfect skin, perfect teeth, blue eyes. She always smelled good…even after going to the gym! She wore Lamcom Treasure perfume. She was such an adorable dancer and made such a cute face when she told silly jokes. She was such a great dresser, an incredible cook, and SO FUN! All my friends loved her and were jealous I had such a cool and fun Mom. I never argued it….I knew. I knew my Mom was amazing. She had a way of making everything fun…from parties and vacations, to waiting in a long line at the grocery store or staying home sick from school….she could make anything exciting, anything hopeful, anything funny.
We love nicknames in my family…my brothers and I created so many for my Mom….Mumsy, Moobarelars (long story), Mu-me-me (another long story), Me-me, Mama, A.R.D.M….the list goes on. You might be wondering “what does A.R.D.M. stand for?” It’s one of my favorite nick names because it describes her very well. A.R.D.M. stands for Awesome-Rad-Dudical-Mama. My brother Dan created it one day, and we all loved it…so we kept it!
As I look back on the past nine months, I see the Lord’s healing hand in my life. The part of me that died when she died, I fully believe has been brought back to life. I still miss her, I still want her near me, I still have dreams about her and am disappointed to wake up and realize they were dreams…I still ache sometimes when I think about her….
…but that’s ok.
God has healed my heart…He gives me peace when I let Him rule my heart. He loves my mom and He loves being with her. He has restored me and shown me it’s ok to miss her, but He wants me to have peace and trust Him with my whole life, not just parts.
Thank you, Lord…for my amazing Mom. Thank you for the years I had with her, and thank you for the lives you touched through her. Thank you for the fact that she is in the presence of perfect love right now….thank you that she’s with You. Happy Mother’s Day…
