It all started with a simple
question from our newest World Racer- Rusty Jackson. He had just
finished running about 3 miles in the somewhat sweltering heat and humidity of Thailand. As is often
the case among us “old guys” a workout like that will exacerbate all the old
war wounds. Rusty was feeling his knees
and in the course of conversation he asked, “Do you remember when you got
old”? My first response was, “Yeah, when
I started the World Race.”
I wish I could have just left
it at that.
Lying under the mosquito net
in a Hill Tribe home later that night the question kept reverberating in my
head. I do feel old.
OK…I’m not fishing for a
bunch of “you’re not old” comments from anyone, especially from my comment
obsessed family. I’m just trying to
express myself in the vein of my literary hero, Scott Molgard!
But I do remember getting
old.
It happened the week I lost
Kim. Everything changed. It sounds like a cliché, but part of me died
with her. When times were good and we
were having fun- I always felt alive.
And young. Most people find it
hard to believe, but there really were no bad times when we were together. At worst, there were “routine” times; but not
bad.
I always felt alive being a
Student Minister too. Thirteen years in
one church and I was dang good at it!
But even that ceased to bring life after Kim died. Almost immediately I started feeling too old
and tired and out of touch.
I thought taking Life to the
Nations would bring me back to life. It
has at points. But mostly I feel like
I’m 7+ months into this thing and I’m wondering where and when I’m going to
find life. I know who I am in
Christ. I’m “awake” to who I am in the
Kingdom. I know better than live in the
trap of finding my identity in what I do (a Student Minister or
Missionary). .
I think I’m headed for a
crisis of faith. When the Race started I
didn’t care about what happened afterwards, but now that the time is drawing
near…well, I can’t help but think of it.
I don’t have enough money to be a bum forever. Part of me wants to go home and build a cool
little house and pursue the “dream”.
Part of me wants to go to Ukraine or Croatia or even maybe back here and raise orphans and
churches. Part of me is scared to death
of that kind of commitment and the work it will take to learn a language. But here I am…not getting younger. I’ve been preaching for a while now three of
the most important things are: Love Extravagantly, Live Regretlessly, and Long
for Jesus. I really don’t want to go
through life having a bunch of regrets (leaving my songs unsung as Seth Barnes put it). I
almost feel like I’ve passed the point of no return for some of those things
though. If I were remarried and had a
kid right now I’d be pushing 60 when he/she finished school! So…I want to fly airplanes (but I don’t know
when I would ever actually use that skill), I want to jump from a plane (that
shouldn’t be too difficult), I want to have a family, and I want to make a
difference in kids’ lives.
I’ve learned all of that and
more this year (most of it I already knew)…but I haven’t figured out yet what
to do about it. Or have I and I’m just
scared to follow through?
Give me some grace if you
feel like I’m whining. I started this
blog while I was with LO/Nessa last week and I finished it today- August
19. Today would have been Kim’s 36th
birthday.
