Every since training camp the words grieving and brokenness has been thrown around a lot. I thought I had experienced and accepted all of my grieving and had embraced my brokenness. However, after being in Guatemala for only two days my world was rocked.
In order for you to understand what happened you first need to know a little bit about my past.
September 24th, 1998 is a date that my world was shattered. I awoke to the horrific news that my dad had past away from congestive heart failure and an enlarged heart (Anyone who knew him would know that he had an enlarged heart due to how much he loved others and loved God). At the time I was only 8 years old and all I could process was my dad was gone and not coming back.
I had no idea on how to cope with the pain of losing my dad. I quit everything that had to do with him, including sports. I started to distance myself from people and never tried to establish strong relationships with anyone, due to the fear of having to deal with the pain of losing them. I thought the best way to do this was just to be a quiet kid.
Being a quiet kid, I went through my high school years and college years not knowing my identity. I had a void in my life and I tried to fill it with all sorts of things, including things people would be shocked to hear. I felt that I was already a strong Christian and that is why I didn’t realize that the thing I was missing was my true relationship with Jesus Christ and my identity in him.
It would take me a full year after graduating college and a trip to Guatemala to realize this.
Yesterday, at the morning worship session we talked about brokenness and how a lot of men in the world have hurt the women on our squad in the past. Our coach Seth Barnes then challenged the men to press in on what the Holy Spirit wanted us to share/apologize to the women for.
All day I felt the Holy Spirit pounding in me to share my story of the loss of my dad and to share the burdens in my life that no one knew. I always had the persona that I was a tough guy that didn’t need help. I wanted to look like I was the “perfect Christian” who had all the answers and that I could take anything thrown at me by myself. Now I couldn’t believe the Holy Spirit was telling me that I needed to share with 60+ people, that I had only known for about 2 months, the deepest burdens in my life that only one or two people knew.
At the evening session, the whole time my squad was worshiping I literally could feel the devil and the Lord waging war in me over whether or not to share. I knew I would have to share my story and secrets and apologize to my sisters on the squad, in order to take off in my relationship with the Lord and find my true identity in Christ, as well as help them embrace their brokenness.
After sharing, I broke. The tears poured out of me. I thought I had grieved my dad’s death but I realized that I had never accepted it, even though it has been 14 years. I then broke even more as I heard story after story from my sisters of the men who had hurt them in life. As I heard more and more stories, I started to become so enraged with these men and how they could do these things. I spent most of the night wrestling with God asking him “Why would he allow these things to happen to these women?” After most of the night I heard the Lord speak and say that everything is going to be ok and I need to forgive these men.
THE LORD IS MERCIFUL. He showed me that in order to find my true identity and come into my own as a Man of God, I would need to embrace my brokenness, properly grieve my past, and learn how to forgive.
This was the single hardest thing I have done in my life. However, now that I have embraced it rather then try and keep it buried deep inside, I am able to see the Man of God that I am called to be.
I encourage everyone to embrace their brokenness and learn how to come into their identity in Christ. It is the single best thing that you can do to yourself. It will be extremely tough, but the end result will be truly worth it.
In order for you to understand what happened you first need to know a little bit about my past.
September 24th, 1998 is a date that my world was shattered. I awoke to the horrific news that my dad had past away from congestive heart failure and an enlarged heart (Anyone who knew him would know that he had an enlarged heart due to how much he loved others and loved God). At the time I was only 8 years old and all I could process was my dad was gone and not coming back.
I had no idea on how to cope with the pain of losing my dad. I quit everything that had to do with him, including sports. I started to distance myself from people and never tried to establish strong relationships with anyone, due to the fear of having to deal with the pain of losing them. I thought the best way to do this was just to be a quiet kid.
Being a quiet kid, I went through my high school years and college years not knowing my identity. I had a void in my life and I tried to fill it with all sorts of things, including things people would be shocked to hear. I felt that I was already a strong Christian and that is why I didn’t realize that the thing I was missing was my true relationship with Jesus Christ and my identity in him.
It would take me a full year after graduating college and a trip to Guatemala to realize this.
Yesterday, at the morning worship session we talked about brokenness and how a lot of men in the world have hurt the women on our squad in the past. Our coach Seth Barnes then challenged the men to press in on what the Holy Spirit wanted us to share/apologize to the women for.
All day I felt the Holy Spirit pounding in me to share my story of the loss of my dad and to share the burdens in my life that no one knew. I always had the persona that I was a tough guy that didn’t need help. I wanted to look like I was the “perfect Christian” who had all the answers and that I could take anything thrown at me by myself. Now I couldn’t believe the Holy Spirit was telling me that I needed to share with 60+ people, that I had only known for about 2 months, the deepest burdens in my life that only one or two people knew.
At the evening session, the whole time my squad was worshiping I literally could feel the devil and the Lord waging war in me over whether or not to share. I knew I would have to share my story and secrets and apologize to my sisters on the squad, in order to take off in my relationship with the Lord and find my true identity in Christ, as well as help them embrace their brokenness.
After sharing, I broke. The tears poured out of me. I thought I had grieved my dad’s death but I realized that I had never accepted it, even though it has been 14 years. I then broke even more as I heard story after story from my sisters of the men who had hurt them in life. As I heard more and more stories, I started to become so enraged with these men and how they could do these things. I spent most of the night wrestling with God asking him “Why would he allow these things to happen to these women?” After most of the night I heard the Lord speak and say that everything is going to be ok and I need to forgive these men.
THE LORD IS MERCIFUL. He showed me that in order to find my true identity and come into my own as a Man of God, I would need to embrace my brokenness, properly grieve my past, and learn how to forgive.
This was the single hardest thing I have done in my life. However, now that I have embraced it rather then try and keep it buried deep inside, I am able to see the Man of God that I am called to be.
I encourage everyone to embrace their brokenness and learn how to come into their identity in Christ. It is the single best thing that you can do to yourself. It will be extremely tough, but the end result will be truly worth it.
