I was an inquisitive kid. One of my favorite shows when I was little, aside from Barney, was Jeopardy. You know, the show where you give the answer in the form of a question. So from a young I was asking questions and trying to learn the answers, and it didn’t take long for my questions to turn from trivia to serious issues of life.
As soon as I started to think critically about some of the grey areas with which we are presented in life and to question certain assumptions about the proper application of Biblical truths to these situations, there were times when someone would offer a surface-level answer with the implication that it was too complicated for me to understand and tell me that’s the way the world works.
I don’t blame anyone who reacted to my questions that way. The problems I was tackling are difficult, even for adults. It’s easy to understand how someone who may not have clear reasons for why they believe a certain way reacts with a formulaic response to anyone who questions those beliefs, especially a child. And as a child, there were things that obviously were over my head. Some things still are. But the point is that I accepted the answers I was given and left it at that.
Over the course of the past several years, I have been fortunate to develop several relationships with people who encourage me to ask again those hard questions. I have begun the process of taking another, longer look at the things I believe, and just as importantly, why I believe them.
I talked a little bit in my last post about how Christianity is full of rich traditions that are passed down through generations. So while my faith is received, a gift that my parents and my church gave me, it is also something deeply personal. I cannot blindly accept things that I have been told and bear no accountability for wrong thinking.
So I have started to ask questions again. I am in the process of examining the things I have been taught. It’s not an easy process, especially for someone who resists change and always wants to be right because changing your mind means admitting you were wrong.
I have only just begun, but I have started to realize that I am often left with more questions than answers. That can be really uncomfortable sometimes. I have learned how to say, “I don’t know.” Things that I had been taught were black and white don’t always seem so obvious anymore. And that’s okay.
The essentials are essential. I confess and believe the Apostles’ Creed. Those tenets have been tested by those in spiritual authority over the course of centuries and are the foundation of our Christian faith. But on other matters, I’m willing to listen to people who think differently and be open to the possibility that maybe they’re right and I’m wrong.
For people like me, sometimes it takes a little courage to admit you don’t have the answers, that you are still trying to understand. And it takes a lot of faith. I heard a concept that resonated with me on this issue, and the gist of it is that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. If you are so sure of something that it requires no faith on your part, then maybe you aren’t leaving any room for correction.
And that’s essentially what I’m doing now. I’m taking my ideas and the ways I view the world to God, allowing him to adjust or totally rebuild my paradigms. I know for some people the very thought of that is scary. To have some of the core concepts you’ve held for so long and that have really formed the way you live your life called into question is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes you have to grow a little to make room for doubt.
I think that’s an important truth I’ve discovered as I have started on this journey. Sometimes the strongest faith isn’t the one that has all the answers and can point you to the specific verse to prove it. Sometimes the strongest faith is the one that doesn’t understand, but resolves to trust God anyway.
So when people hear that I’m getting ready to give up the life I’ve been building and travel the world for eleven months to serve people I’ve never met, they sometimes ask, “Are you sure?” And the truth is I’m not. I don’t know without a doubt that this is what I’m supposed to do, but I believe it. I think it’s the next big step in allowing God to open my eyes to things I haven’t seen before and to trust that He is big enough to bring good out of it, even if I miss it.
