Month one, night one, Belgrade Serbia. We were sleep deprived and anxious to see what life on the race would actually look like. We asked our host Deb what sort of things we would be doing this month, when she responded with ‘I was thinking about a gospel concert’, I was surprised but worried. What on earth would a Serbian gospel concert look like?!
Over the next few days my mind was at war with itself, wanting to be engaged and enthusiatic for my first month on the race. But at the same time wanting to do anything other than sing in front of anyone, let alone a concert full. So in a moment of madness I agreed, telling myself that I would probably be at the back, with out a microphone, me and my other two team mates would just be an add on. No big deal right? Oh how wrong was I?! The very next practice we were asked what solos we wanted to sing, and I nearly died of shock right then and there. This was nothing like I had imagined it would be, I had a microphone to myself, we were placed right in the front, and people actually wanted to be able to hear me. I felt exposed, unprepared and unworthy of the limelight I would be receiving.
I struggled so much with my worries about being seen and heard that I completely lost sight of the aspect of worship, this concert was to be a tool for evangelism, to spread the gospel in the city I was in. To worship our heavenly Father for all he was and is doing in Belgrade and to reach out to all the people he wanted to speak to that day. And I was too scared and self conscious to notice. The fear that gripped me leading up to that day and during the event robbed me of the wonder of it. I was more worried about not being able to do it well enough and being embarrassed, then I thought about what God’s plan was for that evening. He wanted me to be there. He wanted me to sing. And I was not happy about it. I wanted to quit, to get a task that meant I could hide in the back of the room so that no one would have to see or hear me. But I knew that God wanted me at the front, in all my grumpy terrified glory. I didn’t understand why, at the time I just told myself that this year I have been called out of my comfort zone, and I was suitably uncomfortable so that must just be it. But now I know there was so much more to it than that.
God was calling me out of my comfort zone but not just to prove a point that I could be uncomfortable. He called me out of the background and the sidelines and forced me to stand front and centre, not just to spite me but to show me that is how he sees me all the time. He never wants me to live in the background, he always sees me, he always hears me, and that he delights in that. He made me uncomfortable that day so that I could step into this new level of comfort with him. He pulled me out of my hiding place and literally placed me in the limelight so that I could understand that he shines light on me everyday, even when my back is turned and I am determined not to see it that it’s still there.
This understanding wasn’t a quick process. I didn’t have a supernatural epiphany whilst I was singing in the concert, where I suddenly understood that God wanted to hear me and that he always has me in his spotlight. But looking back it is a clear reminder that from day one of my race God has been trying to teach me how he sees me and that he hears me voice. This doesn’t mean that I’m looking to start a gospel career anytime soon, if ever! But I’m not so scared to be made uncomfortable now, I have so much more to learn and I’m sure that God is not done with making me uncomfortable.
