I had this whole blog planned out in my head and you may still get to read it, but in true God fashion, He has led me to write about something else.
I’m at a place in my journey where I want to stand at the edge of a mountain and shout out to the Lord, “What do you want of me?” The funny part is that I half expect an answer. Well if you have ever been in a similar place, you know as well as I do that no answer will come because YOU want it, it’s time to wait on the Lord.
I feel like I’ve been using that word “waiting” a lot lately mostly in the phrase, “waiting for my life to start”. I realized recently how discontent I have been, and how angry I have been at God. Is it possible to give God the silent treatment since He already knows what’s in my mind and heart? Yeah, real smart Claire. I guess I thought maybe if I pout long enough He will give me something I want for a change instead of always giving me something He thinks I need, well I guess He knows I need. Seriously what do I think I’m waiting for?
Nine months ago I was asked to be a team leader beginning this 11-month long journey, something I didn’t ask for, something I honestly didn’t desire. I knew what leadership was like and a big part of me just wanted to sit back and relax and enjoy the race with no other responsibility. Yep and then God said, “You are going to be a team leader”. So I said ok, knowing it was what God said and knowing He knew best.
Then, after three months of team leading the Lord said, “ok now I want you to go from leading six people to leading 55”. I honestly laughed. Seriously never asked for that but here God was, saying there is more, trust Me and learn to trust yourself. So I did. In five months I grew in confidence of my Spiritual gifts. I grew in my passion for helping others and serving in a new way. I grew in wisdom and learned how to truly trust the Lord and let Him be the pursuer of my heart. I realized how I had made people’s words an idol in my life and I was freed of those lies. Were these hard lessons to learn? Uh, yeah, but I know I wouldn’t have learned them in the same way if I hadn’t said yes to Him.
After all of these lessons, trials, and challenges, I was tired. I saw myself fading and my energy going with it, but this is what the Lord wanted, this is what He asked of me. I just needed to sacrifice more. This was just how my race was supposed to be. Well He said no at the beginning of this month. He told me I needed rest, but I didn’t want to listen. Like most things, He got His way and I stepped down from all leadership. One thing we recently started saying on the squad is just because you are good at something doesn’t mean that is what you are going to do. Well the Lord has blessed me with the gift of leadership and my definition has changed so much over the race, which I’m thankful for. Leadership is NOT my identity, it just happens to be a passion. Leading this squad and pouring into them for the past five months has filled me up immensely knowing the words I spoke were straight from the Father.
So now I stand at the edge of the mountain, secure in the fact that I am a daughter of the utmost King but only that. I see the gifts that He has blessed me with but have no idea what to do with them, so I call out to my God and ask Him what He wants of me because it seems to keep changing. I used to be able to see things so clearly but now my vision is blurry. Is this punishment or just another lesson that will later blow my mind and make me laugh as I see what He was trying to do all along? Only He knows the answers. Only He knows the plan and the purpose and as He has taught me for the past 8 ½ months, I will trust in Him and follow the Ultimate everything. After all, isn’t this what I wanted from the very beginning?
