I’ve radically changed this year, and I just can’t. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I’m here. I’m human, and I make mistakes. But I can’t do this. I’m not that person anymore. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
About a week and a half ago, I started asking God to anoint my dreams and show me visions. This wasn’t what I bargained for. I woke up in a ball of emotions–dazed, confused, excited, thankful…
You see, on the first full day of Project Searchlight (PSL), I spent time outside singing praises to Him during my free time. Before I knew it, He started chipping away at something in my heart that I didn’t realize I still was dearly holding on to. He wanted me to receive His love FULLY, but I couldn’t do that if I didn’t surrender everything. I hunted for verses on His love. It never ends. Never fails. I was scared yet hungry for whatever movement He was doing in my heart.
And at the end of the day, I slept. My dreams took me to my past–to one of the most broken moments I never wanted to confront again. Most of my dreams are disjointed and never make any sense. Never. Yet this was my life years ago. It was surreal. But the scene of my past played out differently this time. I was a new person. I declared myself a new person. I asked for forgiveness. I asked for grace.
God reveals something new in different seasons of life. As I look to the future, I realized that I am fearful of falling into old temptations. I am fearful that as much as I have changed and been transformed this past year, it wasn’t enough. I know I won’t actually be tested until He takes me to that place in life again. But He has been confirming that I am truly a confident and transformed daughter in His Kingdom, and I should not live in fear because His perfect love casts out all fear.
There is worship. Lots of it. There are speakers. Amazing speakers. Let me tell you, day two rocked my world. I felt a vulnerable release in my heart that morning that was waiting to be filled by Him. I prayed a prayer that was confirmed as the worship leaders spoke. I listened to a talk that used almost exact words that I had said as I recounted my dream earlier in the day. Again and again, I was awed by our great Creator. And all it took was space to let Him in.
How good is He! How good is He to push me into a place of vulnerability without having to use excessive force. How good is He to break chains and declare freedom even in my dreams! How good is He to confirm all the things He has said.
I didn’t exactly know what I had signed up for, but everyone said it was good. But now I see this week is for the returning Racers who want to be continuously humbled by God. The ones who recognize that no matter how much they’ve grown, God still has so much more. It’s a time to continue to seek and process and be surrounded by a community who understand and genuinely cares about that growth.
