A Personal Testimony of Faith
At the age of 6, I was baptized Christian. My family attended church for many years, but as we grew older, attendance became a decision of our own. Intermittently attending, I never felt connected with the Lord.
People who know me best will likely say that I am one big walking heart, full of compassion. I have always lived within moral reason- with the idea that as long as I do my best and try not to hurt anyone, then I am living a good life. I mean, most of us can agree that we have that main principle of living….Right? So why is it then, at times we are capable of falling short? Not only in our actions, but in our words…with others, and with ourselves?
Now, let’s fast forward 19 years, it is 2012 and I am 25 years old.
Throughout the years, I struggled with different emotions and actions that I can honestly say I am not proud of. At the end of 2012, I found myself at one of my all-time lows. Emotionally, I was drained. There was nothing left in me but anger, pain, resentment, loneliness, and a vast number of insecurities. That deeper part of me that was never been allowed to surface, I mean, I kept my game face on for most years of my life- why now would I let people see that I was destroyed inside? Nope. Not me- I allowed the WORLD to think that I was okay. I turned that switch off inside of me because I wanted to feel NOTHING- I wanted NOTHING to do with any emotion, good or bad, and that was a HUGE problem- especially for me.
Without any hesitation, I tried to satisfy my inner needs through money, relationships, sexual promiscuity, and alcohol. You know, all the things that this world convinces us to believe will make us feel better.
So, I followed what I thought was going to mask the pain, mend the anger and resentment, fulfill the loneliness, and erase all the insecurities. And all I can honestly say, is that I missed the mark and I was heading in the wrong direction. I was completely separated from the important things in life, and I was completely separated from my true self. Who in the heck was I? Who was this person I was becoming?
Right in that moment….of complete and utter separation, I stopped looking outward at what the world was telling me would make me feel better, and I started to look inward once again.
In that breaking moment…a close friend of 9 years, Carlos, invited me to church with his family. Actually, it wasn’t an invite, it was more of a “you’re coming to church whether or not you like it because my mom and dad say so”. At the age of 25, I just nodded my head, thinking ONLY to myself “yeah, okay. Creepy Christians throwing their “Religion” on me- here we go again”. I went to church that day, for the first time in over 13 years. I stood there like a stone, thinking at any moment I would be struck down- poof, I would vanish. But I was not struck down, I did not vanish. It was actually quite the opposite of what I ever anticipated, I was lifted. I mean, completely lifted, a burning feeling in my chest. I truly felt like I was given a new hope, a new opportunity, and a new chance to change my attitude of “missing the mark”. I was sweetly broken that day and I thank God for brining me home.
Since attending church for the first time…I have been regularly attending Sunday service at a church here in Las Vegas called The Crossing- a Christian Church. I have joined a women’s group, bible studies, and I have disciplined myself. In the last 18 months, I thought this change and process was going to be easy. I am a smart unconventional thinker, and I have what some would call existential intelligence or “weird ways of questioning life”…..yes…this will be EASY! FALSE. So far from the truth. This has been one of hardest transformations I have ever had to face in my life, but it has been the absolute most rewarding- by the grace of God, and I give Him all of the glory because I know I cannot do this on my own- I tried that remember, I was failing miserably.
So you ask, how have your thoughts, and actions, and emotions changed since coming to the Lord? Well first, I am no longer angry or resentful. I understand the importance of forgiveness and how you release yourself when you give it wholeheartedly. Secondly, the pain- it’s not entirely absent, I am still human and thus, I have emotions….but the way in which I understand the pain, and how I deal or “manage” it is much different. I don’t know if it will ever go away, the pains that we experience in our lives, but the Word has taught me how to prevail beyond the human condition. Loneliness, well again, being a big walking heart- sure of course, I get lonely every now and then, but I have learned that no matter what I am never alone. I have great friends of many years who have seen my growth and love me for who I am- both good and bad. I have a family that I would not trade for anything- we’re dysfunctional, and weird, and hilarious- and they are my WORLD. I have strangers around me, people who desperately have a story to share and simply need someone to listen. Most importantly- I know the Lord- and for that, I am never alone. Lastly, the vast amount of insecurities that I was made to believe, through failing and dishonest relationships, through lack of love from a father, through the depiction of what the world teaches us to believe is beautiful—this struggle is a reality, every single day, for many of us…but if I believe the Word of the Bible to be true, than I must believe that my beauty will come from “clothing yourself with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (Colossians 3: 12). God created us in his perfect image, therefore I need to understand that WE ARE BEAUTIFUL IN THE WAY HE CREATED US, and I must learn this truth through Him, not that of the worldly ideal. This is still, a struggle.
So how did all of this lead me to The World Race?
We were given a sermon back in January of this year. It talked about being the Light of the World- Matthew 5:14. I felt this conviction placed on my heart. I left church and I was with my friend and neighbor Kim. We were driving home and I looked over at her and I said “that’s it, I am going to go on a mission, and I am going to serve the Lord and his people”. I got online, I filled out an application, and here I am. I have trusted in this process- which, don’t let me fool you, has been terrifying. I am a new Registered Nurse, I have a great job….and plenty of opportunity ahead of me
BUT I know the change that has occurred in my life since I have had the Lord present, since I surrendered my life, admitted my wrong, and began living a new life through Him and through the Word. I am willing to leave my job, my comforts, my routines, my worldly possessions to go live a new life. Traveling around the world? Sure that’s great! It is wonderful! But beyond that, spending time with those who are less fortunate- to bring light to their life, to bring a new hope, to spend 11 months teaching the Word, and to give away my love- that to me is the ultimate reward that this journey will provide me with. I see what change has occurred, and I can only imagine what is to come.
EVERYONE- I was sweetly broken!!!! So I finish with this….
“I am not what I ought to be, I am not who I want to be, I am not what I hope to be. But by the grace of God, I am not who I was” – John Newton
Thank you for allowing me to share my testimony,
God Bless and always sending love…
Cindi Wilson
