Naked and Nobody Seems to Notice But Me
Have you ever had one of those dreams when you realize half way through the dream that you don’t have any clothes on? Or you realize that you left the house without your pants or shirt? How in reality that would happen I have no clue but I have those dreams repeatedly. I could go into the psychological analysis of the dream (yes, I’ve looked it up) but that’s not the point here. The crazy thing about these dreams is that no one ever notices that you are missing some incredibly important piece of clothing. The last few months I feel like I’m living that dream out…and no, I have not actually left my house without any clothes on. Since deciding to go on the race I have had to let go of several different “things” in my life. The first came when I told my school that I would not be returning. The race was so far off that it wasn’t real at the time…then my softball season came to an end. I have coached this team for three years and each of the girls on the team have become like one of my own. When our last game was over I lingered before walking off the field. I don’t know if I will return to coaching but it has been a huge part of my life for the last 8 years. As I was walking off the field I felt like part of my life was slipping through my hands like sand. I knew it was something I had to let go of but I refused to let anyone know it…
And so the dream begins and I realize I have no shoes on…
Soon after softball ended the school year wrapped up neatly. I’ve been at the school for 3 years and the last few weeks were full of hugs, goodbyes and well wishes from my students and colleagues. As I walked out of my classroom the last day I took a good look around wondering if I would return to teaching. Yet another aspect of my life, what had become my identity, fades into the past. The last month I’ve been working at my school but in a completely different capacity. I am simply summer staff, working to earn money and I’m part of the maintenance crew. I wondered when the summer started what that would mean and now I know that it means I am the official painter. I have painted almost every single classroom and hallway on campus. I’ve watched my colleagues – my friends – return to prepare for the summer and all of a sudden I feel less than them. I’m still the same person, still the same girl that has taught for 7 years and has a master’s degree but somehow my new job has made me feel not quite as “important.” To my friends, I am the same person that has been called on an amazing journey but I realize how much of my identity I had placed in my job. I could stand proudly and proclaim that I was a teacher and a coach but not any longer. No one else seems to notice, no one else seems to care but in my dream I just realized I don’t have a shirt on.
