I'll admit, I often think I'm a servant of God rather than a daughter. It seems a little ridiculous, right? The Lord has filled my life with revelation after revelation of His goodness and my sonship in His kingdom and yet, I am always trading my family status for servitude.
My wonderful little sister and I.
I came into the week of Project Searchlight full of apprehension. There had been some interest expressed by AIM (Adventures in Missions, the World Race parent organization) to have me come on-board, and to be honest, the thought terrified me. Leave California? Leave my amazing church community? Settle down in . . . Gainesville, Georgia where they have weather and guns?! I'll be real, before the Race I used to think California was the center of the world and then there were all those other states in-between here and New York. I don't remember this interaction but apparently when I first met my friends Luke and Chelsey Duffney at Training Camp, upon them telling me they were from Minnesota I asked if their state was in the Deep South. Geography humbles me.
Hungarian Duffney sandwich!
Kenyan Duffney sandwich!
So with all my biases and pride, I rolled into Project Searchlight only looking forward to seeing my squadmates again. How could I have expected what the Lord had coming for me?
The week was packed with worship, seminars, counseling and coaching sessions, and the content of the week really blew me away. I realized a lot of my misgivings about working for or with AIM had to do with fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being used, and fear of failure. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being subject to the enemy's tactics, so as soon as I realized that fear was involved in my heart posturing I began to attack it with a quickness. I started chatting up staff and really began to open myself up to the idea of coming to Georgia. It all seemed to happen with a whirlwind pace, but with each passing day I began to see the doors that the Lord had been opening.
For the Kingdom! Stephanie Vergara and I on my birthday in Bulgaria
And then one afternoon I was sitting in a seminar by Jonathan Little who was talking about the work his team was doing in Guatemala. He called the team via Skype and as I looked on their beaming faces on the telecast screen I heard Jonathan say, "None of these people were called to Guatemala, but they all accepted the invitation of the Father to greater intimacy and that's how they ended up on my team."
I bowed my head to my knees and began to weep. An invitation to the Father's heart. Something I've known about for a while, but suddenly it all seemed brand new again. For so long, I have been petitioning God, "What next?" constantly asking about where I should move and what job I should take and who I should love. I tend to get so consumed with the idea of heaven on earth that my cry is always for the Father to do something with me, knowing that I'll obey His every command. I've been chewing on this idea of being a voluntary lover of Jesus, and the Lord must know at this point I'm volunteered for life–just send me anywhere! Even with potentially working for AIM, I've been telling Him, "Just say the word and I'll go to Georgia, and I'll stay as long as You want no matter what."
And yet, He's so good to me that He would never take advantage of my obedience, He would never abuse my love for Him. Even though He has the freedom to tell me where and when to go, He still asks and invites me to do this journey with Him. Jesus is gentle and lowly in heart, and His burdens are easy and His yoke is light. He invites me to come alongside Him and co-labor. It's not about working for a Christian organization or a secular corporation or even entering a resting season (which I'm actually in until November). It's about pursuing His heart, and His heart is to love me.
Here's the crazy thing I realized that afternoon, as I ran out of the session sobbing into an empty room where I laid on the floor and began to pray: He really loves me and I'm really free. I'm free to choose because He's not my Master, He's my Father. He really is good, really and truly. If I don't choose AIM, I know more doors will open, and each option will be blessed because I am already blessed by Him.
I spoke with Jonathan Little later that day to thank him for the casual words he said that so revolutionized my perspective of God. After I spilled my heart out to him, he looked at me and said, "God is looking for people who, instead of seeking His hands, are desiring to seek His face."
Micah Hubbard and I about to baptize Courtney Duron in Malaysia.
His face, His face! Our Savior wants to know us, not what we can do for Him. Everything overflows from the heart of love, the heart of a daughter that is so well loved by her Dad. Whom the Son sets free is truly free indeed.
When You said, "Seek My face,"
My heart said to You, "Your face, Lord, I will seek."
Psalm 27:8
