Have you ever been afraid?
I have.
Being home in the United States has been terrifying, absolutely terrifying.
Why? Not because of culture shock or current events. But every day I have felt the pulling, the tension that exists here to choose myself or the Kingdom. The Kingdom or myself. Let's face it, us humans have this ability to spin tales and perspectives any way we want, to make us look good or holy or righteous. But the Lord knows our hearts, He knows our thoughts and intentions. There's no fooling Him.
I've been afraid of my own choices. Why do I love the people I love? Why do I trust them? Why do I give full access to my heart to some and not others?
Who will I run with? Who am I willing to open my heart to, to share with the treasures of revelation? Everyone? No one?
Is fear ever a good reason to do anything?
Self-protection, self-preservation . . . These things are a result of lack of trust, lack of faith. Oh, Lord, help my unbelief.
I've spent this year tasting and seeing the Lord's goodness- of sitting together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, of walking worthy of the calling, of standing against the wiles of the devil (Ephesians 2:6, 4:1, 6:11). And now that I'm home I find myself having this trove of experience of His goodness and sovereignty and love and yet still I wonder if I would have a better life at my own hands rather than His. How quick and easy it is to put on flesh and disregard the Spirit.
Wouldn't it be easier to make the Race simply a season of my life? Of a cool year I can tuck under my belt and testify about for the remainder of my life and then rest on my laurels, never again stepping out in faith. If there's a quota for serving the Lord, then surely I've filled mine and can kick back and relax.
And yet the tugging still comes- there is more. There is more than returning to normal, more than serving my own interests and ambitions. Let's face it, I'm in America but the Lord still calls me to die daily, to take up my cross and follow Him.
Do I trust Him? Am I convinced of the love of God? And does that knowledge spur me to action? Will I bet my very life on the goodness of God?
I've realized since showing up at Project Searchlight (a post-Race reunion of sorts in Georgia) that fear will always crop up in life. There will always be some person who has hurt me, or some circumstance that demands a little to much of me. But what does He say? Be strong and of good courage (Joshua 1:6).
Will I be hindered by fear of being hurt or fear of stepping out in faith? When Jesus opens up His book of works that He ordained for my life, will I have walked through every door that He has opened and walked away from every door He has shut? Did I trade my inheritance in the Kingdom for a bowl of soup? Am I willing to tell Him I gave up pursuing my dreams for $70,000? For the comforts of California- sun and beaches and organic food? It seems like a paltry trade off in the big picture of eternity.
I have counted the cost of following Him, and I say it's worth it, it's all wildly worth it. For the sake of knowing Him, I count all else as loss. I see the fear of the unknown, the paralyzing fear of stepping out again not knowing the outcome, and I say I will not be hindered by it. Instead, I will face it head on though my heart trembles. Not because I am bigger than my fears, but my God is. He is Good. He is Love. He is Faithful.
. . . Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)
