When I was not walking with the Lord, I remember the nights of confrontation we would have. Desperation and frustration would intermingle and drip down as a stream of tears or the perspiration of anger. The Lord had implanted this insatiable thirst in me for Him but would not allow me to get close. There was always something better on the horizon but I could never grasp it.
I did not see my Daddy rightly, He was more taskmaster and boss than father. I thought God sat on His judgment seat with His Santa-Clause-like list of the naughty and the nice, and I always fell in the lump of coal category. Those nights of yearning that I rarely allowed my spirit to entertain always ended in melancholy or anger. If my Maker could not accept me, who could? I thought God was holding out on me.
When the Lord beckoned me to come back to Him, I was radically rocked in my understanding of who He really is. God is my Father? I am His beloved? He says He is well-pleased with me before I’ve accomplished a single task? I am fully approved because the blood of Jesus covers me? What the heck. Awesome.
I’ve enjoyed this journey of sonship, of truly knowing what my Maker says about me and stepping into destiny. What I didn’t know is that desperation can still exist.
Last night, my team was rocked in the Spirit (Some more literally than others. Three members of Hebron felt the building shake while we were praying. Every day with the Lord is a weird day, as Miss Megan always puts it.). We had watched the movie ‘Father of Lights’ for our team time and then launched into a night of ministering and praying for each other.
God spoke so clearly to me, telling me everything until now has been a preparation, a tilling of the soil (Hooray for work metaphors! Seriously, weeding in Nicaraguan heat and humidity is killer. I have to drink water every 10 minutes and never have to use the bathroom.). He said it’s finally time to see Him face-to-face, to see Him rightly.
When I went to my hot and sticky bed (after shaking out the daily accumulation of dust and ants) that night, I felt it again. Desperation. My spirit was yearning and yearning to know more of God, to see more, to experience more. I recognized the feeling from my broken days, yet this time I knew it wasn’t going to end in disappointment. The Lord has given me fullness in Him, He constantly waits for me to realize it.
The beds of Emmaly, myself, and Miss Megan (from left to right).
So what happens when that desperation from the past gets redeemed by the Lord and re-planted? I don’t know. I just know I’m super freaking excited for the Lord to have brought me once again to a place of spiritual thirst. And this time, my eyes are trained on Him, my spirit is tuned in to heaven. I’m crying out for more and more and more. More of the unknown, more of the goodness and the fullness of the Lord, more of His Presence . . . there’s always more. What will happen next? The Lord is faithful to my heart, all blessings flow from His right hand.
Stay tuned.
